Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[ferri]

"Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating room?" the hospital administator asked the patient.
"Because the nurse said, "Don't be afraid! An appendectomy is quite simple."
"So...."
"So?" exclaimed the man... "She was talking to the doctor!!!!"

[ferri]

Job Application


A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St. John's.

A Mainlander applied for the position too and both applicants, having the
same qualifications, were asked to take the same standard test by the
company manager.

Upon completion, both men missed getting a perfect score by only getting one wrong answer.

The company manager went over to Mike and said, "Thank you for applying for the position but we have decided to give it to the Mainlander."

"And why would ye be doing dat?" asked Mike. "We bote get nine of de
questions roight. Dis being de Rock, and me a Newfie, I tink I should be gettin' de jab!"

The manager then replied, "We based our decision, not on the correct
answers, but on the one that you missed."

Mike says "And jest how could one answer be more wrong dan anudder?"

"Simple", replied the manager. "On question number seven, the Mainlander wrote down

"I don't know."

You put down, "Needer do I."

[ferri]

The following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:

Kingsville Dispatch
"Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"

National Review Online
"Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"

Dallas Morning News
"Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"

Austin Statesman
"Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"

Washington Post
"Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"

The Nation
"Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"

San Antonio Express/News
"Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"

Houston Chronicle
"Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"

Wyoming Tribune Eagle
"Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"

La Raza
"Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"

Vegan News
"Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"

NRA American Rifleman
"Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"

New Orleans Times Picayune
"Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"

[ferri]

2 birds sitting at a bar. One is a vulture. The other bird speaks to the bartender, "It's discrimination, I tell you! How come he gets a drink and I don't? How come he gets a drink and I don't? How come..."







The bartender replies, "It's like I said...for the last time, I don't serve mynahs!"

[ferri]

LOL!!! this is SO true!!!


The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out
or an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the
Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat
(zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush waves
them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks
out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, then walks
back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid
stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe,
Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News,
Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune,
Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim: "Bush Can't Swim!"

[ferri]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She
offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about
five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew
them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them, then?"




The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[ferri]

i got this from newKidInTown...lol

http://www.seph.ws/sinking.html

[crash 99]

Ferri wrote

It pays to be careful around old people.

Pssstttt *** the doily lady is watching...

[ferri]

don't buy her any chocolate covered peanuts!!!

[crash 99]

~~ Hmm HEY...maybe THAT'S your "in"....she eats chocolate...etc **shudder*** you drink the laced tea????

[ferri]

i am trying to remember if she has EVER offered me peanuts...

[ferri]

The Jewish Samurai


There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.


A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.


The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword . The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.


The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.


The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"


Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.


The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"


The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[ferri]

The Farmer's New Telephone





There was a farmer out in the country, a meek
little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't
talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind
that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked
to get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his
first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".

"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

"I don't understand you, sir."

"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going
to have to talk plainer than that."

"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed
the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the
farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the
phone company were there, and they asked
him if he was the one who had used a profanity
with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.
The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand
for our ladies being treated that way. You have
a choice. You can either call her right now and
apologize, or we're going to remove your
telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked
to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".



"Are yew th' lady I told ta
shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied
"I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

[ferri]

Can you read these right the first time?


1.) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2.) The farm was used to produce produce.

3.) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4.) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5.) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6.) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7.) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8.) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9.) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10.) I did not object to the object.

11.) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12.) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13.) They were too close to the door to close it.

14.) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15.) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16.) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17.) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18.) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19.) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20.) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . . There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............ Time to shut UP....!

[ferri]

Guy goes into a pet shop and asks the man behind the counter “I’d like to buy that big ‘ole rattle snake you got in the window.”

The man says “That’s a very expensive snake. That snake costs $150.00.”

Guy says “Fine, I’ll take it. Can you wrap it for me?”

Man says “Oh!? Is this a gift for someone?”

Guy says “Well no, it’s more of a surprise.”