Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[looking4one]

How to change your own blinker fluid to save money.

[looking4one]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ....
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[looking4one]

Aging gracefully!!!

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

2. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

3. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated"
gets thrown around in the courtroom.

4. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

5. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

6. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
yet...

7. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

8. Old age is coming at a really bad time!

9. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!

10. The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

11. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs
working on.

12. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

13. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes."

14. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the
second week.

15. I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

16. Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

17. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

18. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

[looking4one]

Texas Chili Cook Off

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy *bleep*, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting *bleep*faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb *bleep* is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that *bleep* Sally. I need to wipe my *bleep* with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like *bleep*, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[looking4one]

Wrong email.

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:





To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[ferri]

hahaha i think Frank is a sissy.

[ferri]

i'm not so sure this is a joke!

[looking4one]

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
His son's medicine
cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't
think you should
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very
expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. A pill," Answered the
son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and
before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the
pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow.
He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not
$110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is
from
Grandma!"

[looking4one]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[looking4one]

ELVIS PRESLEY’S SENI0R CITIZEN SONG
>
“Are You Lonesome Tonight?”

Elvis Presley’s Senior Citizen Song
>
 Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
 Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums? does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day.
 When you had all your teeth and your gums?
 Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim?
 Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
 Does your back give you pain...do your knees predict rain?
 Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
 Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
 Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
 All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps you like a well-oiled machine. If it’s football, or baseball...he sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it’s at...but forgets what it’s for. So, your gall bladder’s gone, and his gout lingers on. Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
 When you’re hungry, he’s not. When you’re cold, then he’s hot.
 Then you start that old thermostat war.
 When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right.
 Then you get his great symphonic snore.
 He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
 How’d he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?
 So don’t take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
 Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.

[Bsuds]

So Britain and the US are having a competition as to who can screw up their country the fastest and worst.

Currently Britain is in the lead but the US has a Trump card!

[ferri]

hahaha!

[Glacier]

So this guy is sitting in a bar just looking at his drink. He spends half an hour just staring at it until finally he reaches for it. Just as he's about to grab it this long haired biker steps up next to him, takes the drink from the bar and downs it in one shot.


"Ha ha, whuddya think of THAT, little man?" he sneers.


The poor guy starts crying.


The biker rolls his eyes saying, "Awww, c'mon man, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry...not even a little dweeb like you."

"No, it's not that." says the guy. "This day has truly been the worst of my life. First, I sleep in, and I get to work late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building going to my car, I find its been stolen. The police said that they can't do anything. So I get a cab to take me home, and when I get out I remember I left my wallet with cash and credit cards in there. The cab driver just drives away with it all. I head into my house and when I go into our bedroom, I find my wife in bed with the pool boy. So I leave home, and come to this bar. And then, just when I've finally mustered up the courage to end my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[looking4one]

[ferri]

A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??