Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[dudlee]

First off, Do whales fart? Second , if so How do you smell it under water? If you tickle a squirrel, will he drop his nuts?

[ferri]

The Bank Robber


A man robs a bank and takes several hostages. He asks the first hostage,
"Did you see me rob the bank.
The hostage answers "Yes.
The robber promptly, shoots the hostage in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the
bank.
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

[ferri]

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Now just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!

[ferri]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[aginger1]

GOOD ONE!!!!

[ferri]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting
the better of me, I said:

'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[BoB76]

ha ha

[dudlee]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting
the better of me, I said:

'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

THANX FOR THE LAUGH, I MUST LEAVE NOW TO CHANGE MY DRAWERS.

[ferri]

[Piecemaker]

I don't see you ferri. Did you get lost?

[ferri]

yes. i was hunkered down behind the sign crying.

[ferri]

A history lesson
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max,
invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since
the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,'
on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was
no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi,
and Max
on the controls.

So, now you know.

[ferri]

Why Red Wine Is Important At Christmas

[Queen K]

Sure, Santa gets served but does he leave a 0.06 cent tip?

[ferri]

i'll get you for that!!!