Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

dudlee · Post by **dudlee** » Dec 20th, 2008, 11:16 pm

Brains are like dicks, if you don't use 'em you loose 'em, and that goes for the people that wear glasses too.

usquebaugh · Post by **usquebaugh** » Dec 20th, 2008, 11:33 pm

dudlee wrote:Brains are like dicks, if you don't use 'em you loose 'em, and that goes for the people that wear glasses too.

Men have a brain and penis, and only enough blood in their veins to run one at a time.

Post by **ferri** » Dec 21st, 2008, 8:31 pm

Once again this holiday, I have had requests for my Tequilla Christmas cake so here goes:

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. baking powder

1 cup water

1 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar

Lemon juice

4 large eggs

Nuts

1 bottle tequila

2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is sstill OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Christmas

usquebaugh · Post by **usquebaugh** » Dec 21st, 2008, 8:58 pm

Post by **ferri** » Dec 25th, 2008, 5:58 pm

Cajun Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house, Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse. De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo', An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.

De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham, Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam. Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter, Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit to got to de do', Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'. As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon, I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon."

Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff, Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff. An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick, I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick.

Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name: "Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'! Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'!

To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall, Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall." Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly, W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by.

Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim! Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'. Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail, W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam, An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam. "Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal."

He got on his foots an' jump like de cat Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT! He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot, An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.

A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back, He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack. His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry! Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.

His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry, On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry. Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly, He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head, Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared. He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work, Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk.

He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head, Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said: "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame, Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."

So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof, He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof. He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip, De' gator move down, An don' make one slip.

An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go, "Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!"

Author: J. B. Kling, Jr., 1973

Post by **ferri** » Dec 28th, 2008, 1:23 pm

Queen K · Post by **Queen K** » Dec 28th, 2008, 1:25 pm

Tequila Christmas Cake was good. But I take exception to wiping the counter with the cat!

Post by **ferri** » Dec 28th, 2008, 1:31 pm

keesa wrote:Tequila Christmas Cake was good. But I take exception to wiping the counter with the cat!

i would imagine the cat would too. :lol:

Post by **ferri** » Jan 3rd, 2009, 2:59 pm

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

Post by **ferri** » Jan 19th, 2009, 8:26 pm

This is exactly why you should always twirl once in front of the mirror
before leaving the house.

Glacier · Post by **Glacier** » Jan 23rd, 2009, 7:45 pm

LOL!!!

Post by **ferri** » Jan 30th, 2009, 3:25 pm

I'm so-o-o ticked off.......

I had two Toronto Maple Leafs tickets sitting in plain view on my car dashboard.

Some jerk broke my window and left two more. Now where am I going to find two more people to go to the game?

Post by **ferri** » Feb 6th, 2009, 9:44 pm

this joke kills me everytime i read it. probably because i could see it happening! LOL

PUSH

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door!

The man gets up and goes to the door.... where a drunken stranger, standing in

the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door

and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It is 3:00 in the morning.... and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think

you should help him.... and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told; gets dressed; and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "HELLO..... are you still there?"

"Yesh," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yesh, pleash!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Post by **ferri** » Jun 11th, 2009, 12:56 pm

a friend from New Zealand sent me this. it's pretty darn funny. be sure and look at all the pics. :lol:

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing ... =223309871

Fixer 166 · Post by **Fixer 166** » Jun 15th, 2009, 3:44 pm

Have you heard the one about the cookie?

It's pretty crumby.

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