Sellected Scenes From...

[Trainer Mick]

Mitch Hedberg

You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?

I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the *bleep* did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood its all who you know, and I know Crackle."

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."

I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. ...., it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"

I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

[Trainer Mick]

I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito". Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks.

I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.

I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me--"C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait--Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

This guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "No ... but I would like a regular banana later, so ... yeah."

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!"

[Trainer Mick]

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the f*** is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. s***. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's f***in' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular!

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that *bleep* eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurant. You know I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it and I gave her a burrito.

[flamingfingers]

Mick:

Hey Dude - you have a wierd sense of humor!

[Trainer Mick]

I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... *bleep*!!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"

I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, everybody on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!"

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?

F*** off! Oops I'm sorry, that's rude, f*** back on!

[Trainer Mick]

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...

I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan *bleep*' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' *bleep*!"

[Trainer Mick]

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherf***er.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a *bleep*, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"

I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

[coffee crazy]

I absolutley love this guy and split a tummy while I roll on the floor laughing at the innuendos and anaologies of this comedians humour.

He seems to be very intellectual, with an almost genius way of seeing things for what they really are. Its funny because while on one hand I feel I can relate to him and I feel empowered, at the same time it makes me feel stupid because I didn't catch on and see things the same way as he did.

I've seen him on tv but lately I've actually been wondering 'whatever happend to that so and so guy'.
I like him and yet I read his name just a few short minutes ago and already I forgot it. Is it me or is it the name? Oh yeah...Mitch Hedberg! I cheated, I just scrolled down to check.

Anywho, good choice of comedy there Nick for this 'Laugh-in'.

Even Goldie Hawn would be proud...... And so would that guy who did the German accent soldier skit. That was hilarious. His name was
'Art.....something'....I think.

Well I'm off to bed now. Goodnight yal!

[Trainer Mick]

He passed away last spring.

[coffee crazy]

Oh my word. Isn't that something else. I don't know if it is just my observance or what, but it seems that the more humble, significant or profound someone is, the younger they pass away. ie. John Candy, Lady Di, Elvis Presley & John Lennon just to name a few.

[Jo]

it seems that the more humble, significant or profound someone is, the younger they pass away. ie. John Candy, Lady Di, Elvis Presley & John Lennon just to name a few.

Hell, I'm still around, profound and just humble as pie, and I'm old as dirt. I used to worry about dying young, but one day realized that my chance for that had come and gone.

[mg099]

Oh my... too funny. I think I might get fired after reading all these because I am sitting at work laughing my a** off.