Castanet

My wife left me because I am to insecure.
No wait, she's back
She just went to get a drink

Hahaha unlucky you! She is back again

My wife left me too

One day I was speeding a bit as I was late for work. Looked in the rearview mirror and thought, crap!, lights on i'm getting a speeding ticket. But since I was late for work and it was only a few blocks away I kept going. As the cop got closer I figured I should pull over....

When the cop came to my window he was ticked. He said to me, I don't know why you didn't stop but now I have all these tickets to write you. I was done my shift and really wanted to go home. So he said, tell ya what, If you can give me an original reason as to why you didn't stop immediately, i'll let you go and we can both be on our way.

Officer, I said, years ago my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you were trying to bring her back!

Have a great day sir! was his answer.