Coping with loss of a brother, should we have a say

[laurie carrigan]

I have pulled this thread but appriciate all the responses we are all grieving now and I don't think this really think venting my anger is helping any of us,I know my brother is in a better place and he was so loved and knew that God Bless all of you Tks Laurie Carrigan

[gouged]

Thank you for sharing so mcuh that must have been hard. What a sad sad situation to be in. Life is a journey and it sounds like Steve spent his time seizing every opportunity to live life to the fullest. Please accept my condolences on your loss. Remember his wife has also lost and maybe since she was there through the whole illness she had to be strong for Steve. Now is her time to be angry. Unfortunately anger is part of the grieving process and it is not giving her a clear head. Let her alone and let her grieve. Maybe in time she will see things differently. It is so hard watching someone die especially from cancer and other illnesses like it. It is wrong when people die young and those left back often do not act rational in an irrational situation. You only take one thing with you when you die: your memories and Steve has those with him and has left behind some for everyone else. Your mom will has a part of Steve with her forever already. The memories he left behind, the love he shared with you all

[laurie carrigan]

Thank You Gouged
I know his wife is suffering emormously and we suffered through his ordeal with both of them as well, my whole family was there for them both,we came from CB, Winnipeg and my Mom went out twice in the last few months as well as myself, she's still there since Dec4th she leaves today, we would have done anything I mean anything in this world to make it better,easier. I just think the one last think he wanted from me I couldn't do, I can't help his wife, she won't let me and I can't protect our mom from the pain this is causing her but his wife had only 6yrs of memories, my mom had 56 yrs and she will cherish all of them and I and the rest of my siblings will make sure no one ever hurts her again

[hardnut]

I just think the one last think he wanted from me I couldn't do, I can't help his wife, she won't let me and I can't protect our mom from the pain this is causing her . . .

At a time like this, the stress and anguish that everyone is going through can make them do funny things. You have said it yourself - you can't make everything "right," even though I know you would dearly love to. Please don't take on this emotional baggage. If your sister-in-law doesn't come around, you will have to accept her decision and release any ill feelings you have about it or you will end up hurting yourself and the memory of your brother. I know, not easy to do.

[Balloonatic]

Steve wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread at Dee Lake..... Steve I'm sorry I couldn't fufill your dying wish.

Sorry for your loss, that's a very sad story.
I'm a bit confused though if Steve wanted his ashes spread at Dee Lake isn't that what his wife is doing?
I hope you sort everything out.

[mott.hoople]

It is never easy at times like this. We are currently dealing with much the same thing. I wont get into details.

But as recent as yesterday (its been 2 months to the day) the party who is holding the remains has finally communicated their thoughts to us and have now included us in the decision. Emotions are running high on your recent loss - and it is not easy - but it will get better. Do write her a letter - dont use the phone - and explain your Mom's position. If his wife is a reasonable person she will come to see your side - I guarantee it - for the simple reason her own circle of friends will soothe and comfort her into understanding what this small request really means.

Take a deep breath - watch the language in the letter - and understand that the healing is still not even begun. I am sure it will all work out for everyone.

[laurie carrigan]

mott hoople
thank you for the kind words and you know what my brother would have said exactly what you did
A good kick in the *bleep* is a step forward, sounds just like him

[laurie carrigan]

Ballonatic
His last wish to me was to look after his mom and wife, his wife will do as he asked but he died not knowing that his mom wanted just a teaspoon of them to take back to CB, thats what i meant when I said I let him down because his wife won't allow me to comfort her and I couldn't protect our mom from any more pain

[gardengirl]

I don't understand the pettiness about the ashes. Your brother was not about ashes. It is his spirit which will stay with you.

Perhaps the idea of scooping out a bit is repugnant to his wife. I'll say, I would not be happy with that. Just a teaspoon? This is someone's remains, not a cake recipe.

What if he had not been cremated? Would you have expected her to send you an arm?

The whole thing is ghoulish.

People deal with the loss of a family member when the body is never recovered. Why would this be any different?

The decision is hers. Respect it.

[hereiamagain]

I am very sorry about your loss.

what if your mom took something from the funeral or even a possession - something he loved? rather than having a memory of death, could it not be of life and how he lived?

[red 101]

this is steve's sister colleen and I live here in kelowna.
I have always been close to my oldest brother. My mother and myself and sister spent every day and a lot of nights sleeping on the floor @ kgh and @ douglas fir unit .
He always knew we were there for him right to the end.
this is not to say that his wife wasn't there at night or parts of the day
this is not a bashing of my sister in law, however as a CATHOLIC,
we have believes that we need to have something.
As far as one member said, getting some item to remember is good.
We however we have nothing but memories, we weren't offered anything
all my mother wanted was a little bit of ashes to bring back to Cape BRETON where he was born and raised. He loved Cape Breton
I believe as any mother would that if your adult child was to die and the spouse said well maybe I will and then said NO , I think any loving parent
would feel as we do.
I believe that is the biggest insult to a parent.
We always have had a good relationship with my sisterin law and this is what is hurting the most right now.
I have had a long talk with my husband about is and when my time comes, he has promised that if any of my family or his cared enough about me to want some of my ashes they would be welcome to them
I thank everyone to has read this thread and or replyed.
This issue, I hope has opened a door for more honest conversation
between family and friendS.This is not about power or control
this is about the undying love between a parent and child.

[Dave_1963]

Laurie, I am so sorry for your loss. Your brother and his wife moved next door to our families home. I never spoke to Steve personally, but I can tell what a wonderful man he was. Even though he was very ill, I saw him outside every day making a better home for his wife. He put in a wood stove and beautiful chimney, fixed the things that needed to be fixed, and kept his yard beautifully manicured. Some men, when faced with your brothers illness would give up and stop caring. He was not that type of man. He spent his last days making their home more comfortable for his wife. That is true love. That is a real man. God bless Steve for being the caring person he was. If his widow ever needs anything, she can come next door to 240, and our family will be there for her.

[laurie carrigan]

Dave 1963 are you D and D's child? If so I met your parents evertime I went to Kelown,they are great people your mom if she's is indead your mom is a card,so sweet and your dad too.take are ok

[gouged]

We all grieve differently and at different lengths but we all go through the same stages and anger is one of those stages. Your mother has something of Steves that no one can ever take away from here. She may forget for a while as she gets older but she will always have memories of her son and he will always reside in her heart. Ashes can be lost or stolen or burried or scattered but memories are yours forever. I recently remember a young mom pleading for the ashes of her small child to be returned but a person is not in their ashes. Ashes are an object or maybe a symbol. Reach further down to the deep memories shared and the love deep in your heart. No one can ever take that away from you! And give each other time to grieve and for things to settle down. Do somehting together as a family it sounds to me that that is what you brother would want. He does not sound like he would want all this fighting. Love and peace be with you all as you mourn what sounds like a fun, friendly loving family man.

[mysideofthings]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost an uncle to lung cancer in June 2007.

It's a tough situation when there are several people wanting different things.

I recently talked to my mom about when she is cremated, what she'd want done with her ashes.

I joked and said, "what if i want to keep a little bit of you."

Personally, I wouldn't mind loved ones having some of my ashes, as long as some were also spread where I wanted, or buried in a plot, whichever.

My uncle made it clear what he wanted when he died, and when some people didn't get a say in certain preparations for his funeral, they became..mean.

What I find the hardest, is how people react after someone has died.

My cousins have now become..jerks..claiming my parents owe them money..when my parents took care of their father for 2 yrs..and helped him get things in order before he died.

Losing someone, does strange things to a person, which is understandable, but when it has the capacity to cause family members to argue or end up resenting each other..that to me, is selfish, because it never was really about them..it should be about what the person who died, wanted...and nothing but that.

Hopefully things will calm down in a few months and you will be able to talk rationally about what needs to be dealt with.

I am sorry for your loss.

Take care.