Where are the Okanagan singles in their 30s & 40s

[strawberryskies]

I've lived long enough to know a few things:

• The nice and gregarious guys get snapped up the minute they exude even the faintest whiff of commitment. Those women who snap them up are usually smart enough to recognize how good they have it, so having these guys come back onto the market is rather rare and usually happens when he becomes a widower.
• The nice but shy guys fall into three camps:
  
  • The lucky ones are those who manage to find someone who looked past the shyness (very rare).
  • The unlucky ones hook up with a real manipulator or b*tch, and end up being damaged goods (my brother, for example). The damage can be so bad sometimes, that they would gladly forgo any further relationships just to avoid even the faintest hint of another marriage (once again, my brother).
  • The weird ones kinda “go stale” after a decade or two of excruciating loneliness, and typically end up as that eccentric nutcase that, while entirely harmless, is a bit much to deal with. Lacking the stability of a good woman, they’ve “gone off the deep end” in order to deal with their pain.
• The nice but geeky guys fall into four camps:
  
  • The lucky ones manage to use their gifts to make tons of money, in order to afford the gold-digger who is willing to overlook the geekiness. See: Bill Gates, any tech leader who made it big under the age of 25.
  • The really lucky ones manage to find a good woman that stays with them despite their geekiness, riches or no riches. I count myself in that category.
  • The unlucky ones are no different than the unlucky nice but shy guys. See above.
  • The really, really smart ones do what really works: they become that harley-riding, thrice-incarcerated, weapon-toting, heavily muscled “bad boy” that at least nine out of every ten women seem to go brain-dead nuts for. You know, that kind of “bad boy” that almost every single NICE WOMAN thinks that they can “reform”, but who ends up screwing them over six ways to Sunday to the point where they swear of all men. (Helllooooo, ladies. You’re looking in entirely the wrong direction!!)
• The bad boys - you know, the real snakes and bullies of the world - are the ones who really do get the women. They are the ones that seem to deflower at least 9 out of every 10 virgins, who always have several women on their arms, and who can string along at least three hot mommies at any one time. They are also the ones who thoroughly ruin at least half the “nice girls” out there. You know, these nice girls who seem to always have this strange idea that they can actually “reform” these bad boys. Why else do even convicted child killers have “fan bases” of women numbering in the hundreds if not thousands, and open proposals of marriage once they are set free? It seems that the most sure way to hook a really hot mama in this world is to become a very famous killer of some sort; a badarse of badarses. Do that, and the marriage proposals will come rolling in like an avalanche, overwhelming the prison postal office and bringing it to its knees.

Too bad that some of us are a bit too nice to even fake being a badarse, much less actually pull it off in reality. To be honest, it would have been really sweet to have a small harem of googly-eyed idealistic women trying to “reform” me. Heck, with that much tail, why would I want to reform?? Ach, maybe I should try that in my next life; were I to actually believe in reincarnation.

You know of what you speak! I think you wrote the most helpful response on here so far.

I remember those nice gregarious guys from my 20s however at the time I didn't feel ready for a committment I treasured my freedom and felt I still had lots of growing up to do.

Now that I am in a place in my life where I would welcome a serious significant other the well has dried up!

[*]The weird ones kinda “go stale” after a decade or two of excruciating loneliness, and typically end up as that eccentric nutcase that, while entirely harmless, is a bit much to deal with. Lacking the stability of a good woman, they’ve “gone off the deep end” in order to deal with their pain.[/list]

Oh this reminds me of a few I have met.

[rekabis]

Why would you look for a single person in his/her 40's?
Clear red flag, to be honest.

Explain please Awesome? Wouldn't someone who is single in their 30s raise a red flag too?

Agreed. I would say that anyone beyond 25 who is single should be a “red flag” of some kind, if only for the fact that they are single.

In reality, I would say that a flag of any kind can only be hoisted when you get to know the other person. Blindly assigning flags is a sure way of eliminating someone who could easily go on to be the perfect partner.

For me, flag-hoisting would occur only in certain circumstances. For example, if they have been single for a very long time without a darn good reason (say, being an undercover mole for the RCMP in their fight against biker gangs). Being single for a long time, while in of itself not a good reason, can point toward other issues that would preclude the other person as being a viable relationship candidate. In that regard, it’s a sign to start digging for the reason why they have been single, to see if that reason is good enough to eliminate them from contention, or if it is something that shouldn’t unreasonably tar their prospects with you.

[Captain Awesome]

Why would you look for a single person in his/her 40's?
Clear red flag, to be honest.

Explain please Awesome? Wouldn't someone who is single in their 30s raise a red flag too?

It's just my general observation about people in their 40`s who are still single. I've known quite a few, and all of them were complete weirdos. Which kinda explained everything.

[rekabis]

• The weird ones kinda “go stale” after a decade or two of excruciating loneliness, and typically end up as that eccentric nutcase that, while entirely harmless, is a bit much to deal with. Lacking the stability of a good woman, they’ve “gone off the deep end” in order to deal with their pain.

Oh this reminds me of a few I have met.

Oh, dear goodness. I didn’t realize how funny my statement was until you isolated that quote. I’m stuck in a fit of giggles right now.

[strawberryskies]

Why would you look for a single person in his/her 40's?
Clear red flag, to be honest.

Explain please Awesome? Wouldn't someone who is single in their 30s raise a red flag too?

It's just my general observation about people in their 40`s who are still single. I've known quite a few, and all of them were complete weirdos. Which kinda explained everything.

Awesome would this apply to women as well or just to men?

Also keep in mind by today's standards being single in your 30s is acceptable and by the next few decades 40s will probably be the norm, perhaps some are ahead of the curve

Luckily, I do like the quirky ones!

[Being single for a long time, while in of itself not a good reason, can point toward other issues that would preclude the other person as being a viable relationship candidate.

Perhaps, I do find people in this age bracket have experienced a few loves. For various reasons it never went to the marriage and perhaps divorce stage. Each situation is unique

As I am in the boat of being in my 30s and being single I find this journey quite difficult. The pool of candidates to draw from are so few, and like you said there may be much more baggage, issues and hidden agenda's to deal with than if I were in my early 20s.

I moved to a bigger city and returned to my studies when I turned 30 and I was heartened to learn that a handful of classmates had managed to find their mates in their latter years in their 40s. A few had given up. One story in particular stood out a friend went out to dinner and met her future husband who was a friend of a friends. They are all quite happy with their lot in life and their partners. I find the idea of meeting and marrying your love in your 40s sweet.

In the next life I will smarten up though and demand that he show up in High School, no dawdling

[process99]

Why would you look for a single person in his/her 40's?
Clear red flag, to be honest.

Explain please Awesome? Wouldn't someone who is single in their 30s raise a red flag too?

It's just my general observation about people in their 40`s who are still single. I've known quite a few, and all of them were complete weirdos. Which kinda explained everything.

Awesome would this apply to women as well or just to men?

Also keep in mind by today's standards being single in your 30s is acceptable and by the next few decades 40s will probably be the norm, perhaps some are ahead of the curve

Luckily, I do like the quirky ones!

[Being single for a long time, while in of itself not a good reason, can point toward other issues that would preclude the other person as being a viable relationship candidate.

Perhaps, I do find people in this age bracket have experienced a few loves. For various reasons it never went to the marriage and perhaps divorce stage. Each situation is unique

As I am in the boat of being in my 30s and being single I find this journey quite difficult. The pool of candidates to draw from are so few, and like you said there may be much more baggage, issues and hidden agenda's to deal with than if I were in my early 20s.

I still have hope, when I returned to studies when I turned 30 I was heartened to learn that a handful of classmates had managed to find their mates in their later years when they were 40. A few had given up. One story in particular stood out a friend went out to dinner and met her future husband who was a friend of a friends. They are all quite happy with their lot in life and their partners. I find the idea of meeting and marrying your love in your 40s quite sweet actually.

I don't see too many of those highschool sweetheart young married couples lasting a lifetime these days. Im not sure if its due to enviromental situations or mass media or whatever. It seems now that the ones that seem to know themselves have a better chance of a lasting relationship than two young lovebirds do, not always but mostly.
Yet I see friend and familes that have grandparents that have been married for 50 plus years, what an accomplishment that is.

You cannot know yourself untill you have the real years under your belt. No matter how you spin it you can't cheat that one at least I havent found a way yet.
In some cases I would say that ones previous relationships are a guide or roadmap to knowing oneself, In effect how can you know yourself and what you want if you have never tried ?
I know personally I can say that based on my previous dating and relationships I know exactly what I don't want.
With that said I can at least get alot closer to what I do want and or need from a good coupling, and as I said not many 25 somethings have alot of experience of that type, some in fact have none.
I consider being where I am in my life to be a priviledge actually as it gives me the ability to not repeat mistakes I have made in the past over and over which many seem to do nowadays.
Is that actually a red flag?
Im not entirely convinced it is. Not to mention the fact that finding your signifgant other is quite spectacular, whether your 30 or 70, it doesn't change the majic. Its remains the same no matter what age it happens for you.
P99

[Captain Awesome]

Awesome would this apply to women as well or just to men?

I'd say "especially women".

Also keep in mind by today's standards being single in your 30s is acceptable

Well, I wasn't saying it's not acceptable. It's not like there's a law against it. Just like there's no law against living with your parents for a guy who is in his 30's - but now it's more of a symptom of a larger problem than just a "quirk". Or older guy who is always trying to date girls straight our of high school - no law against it, but a clear red flag.

[Occam]

I guess most people who are looking for single people in their 30's and 40's are themselves single people in their 30's and 40's. This seems to be a thread more about dating than about hiring practices or whatever other context you might raise a red flag in. In other words, being single and in the 30's or 40's is necessary for candidacy, not grounds for dismissal.

I wonder who Captain thinks a single person in their 30's or 40's OUGHT to be looking to date? Apparently not people just out of high school... in their late 20's maybe? In their 50's and 60's? And would he advise these people to raise red flags regarding those in their 30's and 40's? Perhaps single people ought only to date married people after a certain age? Or not date at all, given that we're past our expiration date?

Apparently I'm a nice, geeky shy guy. (Several people have told me that I ought to be in a relationship, but have been single for a long time.) I'm on provincial disability/welfare (same system), and this pretty much precludes a long-term relationship involving cohabitation unless I'm willing to become a gold-digger. (I'm obliged to report sexual activity with landlords/roommates/building managers, and would suffer a significant financial penalty for it - basically I wouldn't be able to share rent.) I don't get out of the house much, you're really not likely to meet me anywhere... I do hit a financial institution and a grocery store at least once a month though.

Have heard that grocery stores are good places to meet people, but can't claim to have ever started a romance in one.

[strawberryskies]

Awesome would this apply to women as well or just to men?

I'd say "especially women".

Also keep in mind by today's standards being single in your 30s is acceptable

Well, I wasn't saying it's not acceptable. It's not like there's a law against it. Just like there's no law against living with your parents for a guy who is in his 30's - but now it's more of a symptom of a larger problem than just a "quirk". Or older guy who is always trying to date girls straight our of high school - no law against it, but a clear red flag.

At least unmarried women are no longer called spinsters LOL

I suppose I should just start buying cats now.
Or visit South-East Asia I had marriage proposals within the day, living in a warm place sounds awesome right about now.

[strawberryskies]

Pushes the thread back to the original topic "where oh where are the singles in their 30s and 40s hiding in the Okanagan".

It's been an interesting and somewhat enlightening discussion so far.

For those interested in pursuing the red flag topic further perhaps post a new discussion, oh what the hell I will.
Let's make a list of red flags for potential relationships compiled by those of us who have been scorched by these red flags.

[Lady tehMa]

Don't discount the "friend of friends" option. Met my hubby on a blind date my 3rd day in this town, married 20 years and still happy.

My best friend met her hubby on a blind date while in high school, the're at 15 years and happy.

I think some of the reason for the divorce rate is the desire for pefection, trying to find the spouse who will "complete" you. There isn't any such person; we're all human and prone to flaws and many people can't take their illusions being crushed so divorce it is and off they go to try to find this illusionary personage.

[Nom_de_Plume]

Don't discount the "friend of friends" option. Met my hubby on a blind date my 3rd day in this town, married 20 years and still happy.

My best friend met her hubby on a blind date while in high school, the're at 15 years and happy.

I think some of the reason for the divorce rate is the desire for pefection, trying to find the spouse who will "complete" you. There isn't any such person; we're all human and prone to flaws and many people can't take their illusions being crushed so divorce it is and off they go to try to find this illusionary personage.

Agree
No one can complete you, if you're not complete on your own you have nothing to offer anyone else.
Look for someone who wants to share your journey.

[djkelowna]

A perfect mate is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

My parents have been together for over 70 years now. (They just hit their 90's) Still brings a tear to my eye when i watch them snuggle on the couch.
Through thick and thin.


(Edited to add/stay on topic): POF? been there tried it..Nothing positive came out of it. I hope the over 30's haven't all given up hope?

[strawberryskies]

A perfect mate is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

My parents have been together for over 70 years now. (They just hit their 90's) Still brings a tear to my eye when i watch them snuggle on the couch.
Through thick and thin.


(Edited to add/stay on topic): POF? been there tried it..Nothing positive came out of it. I hope the over 30's haven't all given up hope?

You are on topic

I recently met a 85 year old who is worried about losing her independence if she decides to move in with her children. She was widowed and has lived alone for the past 35 years.

This caused me to worry about what if I do find someone, it would be difficult to move in together I am very set in my ways from living alone.

[strawberryskies]

Ehem, so I am still single. If someone is interested in meeting up with a female in her mid-30s for coffee or a stronger drink please private message me. You never know... we may click Closet matchmakers are welcome, if you know a suitable male who has been single for far too long and who might enjoy meeting someone new.