Clean & on topic Christian jokes only please

[NAB]

If you feel a need to bash Christians here, please take it to one of the other threads in the Religion and Philosophy forum.
Tks
Nab

Christians have a sense of humour too!...

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father.. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

[Jo]

Make very sure you follow the standard set for this thread, please.

[westsidebud]

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by
a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to
ride on a motorcycle.”

[westsidebud]

Make very sure you follow the standard set for this thread, please.

ill try

[BGV666]

An elderly lady goes into the local Post Office to buy some stamps.

She asks the clerk for "50 Christmas stamps"

The clerk asks "what denomination?"

The elderly lady responds "My God has it come to this?"

Alright give me:

"22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptist"

[BGV666]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computer is
down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week but you
can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will
any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep
track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating
them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could
prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire somewhere in Saskatchewan."

[NAB]

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.

She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this.."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!"

Is - GOD GOOD - or what!!!???

[Advocate]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces,nephews,or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?"
"We have forbidden fruit?"
"Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"
"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

'Why ? '
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.

"Did not"
"Did too"
"DID NOT"

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

[Advocate]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord,
I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means
when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Advocate]

In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.

Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.

But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

[BGV666]

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But a few enlightened individuals think the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles carpooled in a Honda..."The Apostles were in one Accord."

[NAB]

[Glacier]

Alan bought a horse, a religious horse it appeared. Strangely, the horse only reacted to two words: the word "Hallelujah" to make it go, and "Amen" to make it stop.

Excited, Alan took his new horse out on the range and was riding it happily when he realised he was heading towards the edge of a cliff. Terrified, Alan forgot which word was the one to stop the horse.

Obviously wanting to prevent falling over the cliff to certain death, he bellowed out a prayer ending with the word - Amen. Phew! The horse stopped.

In sheer relief, he shouted, "Hallelujah!"

[coffeeFreak]

There was this "Mennonite" (or whatever denomination) who had been stranded on an island for several years and was being rescued. The rescuers noticed there were three buildings on this little island and they asked the man what they were for.
"Well" said the man, "This one is my home, and the second one is my church".
The rescuer points to the third building and asks "What about this one?"
The "Mennonite" responds "Oh, that's the church I used to go to."

[Captain Awesome]

"Jesus" spelled backwards sounds like "sausage".