Castanet

Donald G wrote:Behind a significant percentage of women who become involved in and remain in abusive relationships is an early life of exposure to childhood conditioning in an abusive situation where inter and intra personal respect was not part of the parenting equation. Either that or a childhood of exposure to a family lifestyle built on systemic gender inequality. Unless disclosure and treatment aimed at the cause of the sense of worthlessness and helplessness is forthcoming change is intermittent and piecemeal at best. I have considerable faith in women's shelters, both as a place of immediate refuge and an intermittent contact point for the victim who is building up courage to leave the relationship. That assessment is based on repetitious person knowledge of the dynamics of abuse and what is required to break the cycle.

I find it quite short-sighted that you are only approaching the problem from the perspective that the inaction of the victims in these situations is what perpetuates the cycle. It’s very sexist of you and further emphasizes why the cycle continues. Your post is a very patronizing way to blame the victims. It’s truly a shame.

I too have ‘repetitious personal knowledge of the dynamics of abuse’, and I am of the perspective that abusers need to also be addressed. What makes an abuser? In my experiences abusers come from many camps the following three scenarios stand out to me the most:


1. People who are indulged throughout their upbringing by one or all caregivers and have not had to develop an ability to overcome disappointment. Because of not having that practice, they’re incapable of moderating their anger and are prone to temper tantrums. They seek out people they can control because they get what they want much easier.

2. People who have been taught by their caregivers that they get what they want via abuse by having been abused.

3. People with chemically-based, undiagnosed mental illness.


We have to address both sides of domestic violence, or nothing will change.

I am not a health practitioner, but I’ve helped out friends who needed encouragement to get safe, and tragically lost one dear friend. If health practitioners are of the same mind as Donald G, it’s no wonder there’s no money to address domestic violence.

To kgcayenne ...

Whether we like it or not there are financial realities to being able to deal with the problematic criminal and social problems in our society. My comments dealt only with one very effective PRESENTLY AVAILABLE means of identifying and dealing with abusive situations resulting, from children being raised without respect for themselves or other people ... a condition that, regardless of its many origins and causes, contributes to domestic violence in a significant way. That is true for both abusers and their victims. Saying there should be more resources put toward addressing the over all domestic violence problem does nothing for the victim who is looking for a solution TODAY. With respect.

If we keep doing what we are doing, we will keep getting what we've got. The abusive ones will continue to seek out new victims.

Getting out of the abusive household isn't always the end of it, and support needs to go on for considerable time after. Alan Schoenborn still killed his children after they and their mother had separated and moved away. The woman in Abbotsford two weeks ago had been separated for some months from her husband; it didn't stop him from killing her.

Until society finds a way to treat the whole problem, it won't go away.

To kgcayenne ...

It is important that we understand the various theories we believe contribute to domestic violence ... but realiy is what provides the support needed to help a given victim escape the vicious cycle. Too many people talk about what needs to be done to break an identified abusive situation, but only the person who risks getting involved ever makes a difference. That from a person who has played a part in hundreds of child abuse and other forms of domestic violence situations.

Without the police immediately arresting the SUSPECTED offender and the court holdig him or her in custody until court there is no way to guarantee he safety of the ALLEGED victim. To provide police protection to the victim when the offender eventually gets released ... on bail or after serving his or her sentence ... is not in any way feasible given police resources in our present society.

More input is needed from people with practical experience in the area of domestic violence.

As the tree is bent, so it grows.

But it makes us feel better to think that lack of money is the culprit. Unfortunately there is no amount of spending that is going to eradicate domestic violence. Although targeting children through education is helpful, it is the home environment that has the greatest impact.
Mental health, addiction treatment and other societal supports that reduce stress on individuals and families have varying benefits when it comes to reducing domestic violence.
In the case of domestic violence due to relationship break-ups, for some there is no safety for a short while and for others there is no safety ever.
No easy answers.

To Ms Peacemaker ... Your brief comments identify the heart of the matter. Thank you.

LoneWolf_53 wrote: I'm of the mind that when such issues arise, perhaps one avenue to consider is mandatory psychological assessment of both parties involved, by qualified professionals, who might possibly be able to determine the source of the problem more accurately, then allowing a judge to determine appropriate measures based on that, combined with whatever other evidence there may be.
.

A very good idea! Many are falsely accused of domestic violence based on lies derived out of vengence! There should also be consequences if it is found that the person has lied!

kgcayenne wrote:Tonight I'm lighting a candle for someone who tried, but didn't get the help she needed in time.

I'd rather see false accusations than attend my friend's funeral.

flamingfingers wrote:Amen dear.

He was just found guilty of 2nd degree murder after a long jury deliberation.

Justice?

^^That is some relief for the family/friends to finally have that part dealt with. When will the sentencing be carried out?

While he may be sentenced to a long prison term, the family/friends have already been sentenced to a lifetime of loss and the never-ending question of WHY? And the follow-up of "If only...."