Why do women keep going back to abusive relationships?

[zoo]

When someone is put in the hospital, or dead, or nearly dead, they are a victim.

No one(not media, not society, not government) is suggesting that all men or even most men are abusing their spouses.
The fact remains that over 80% of the victims of serious, physical, abuse are female (and their children). They are victims, and suggesting they are not victims, or that they are responsible for the violence they endure, is just bashing victims and avoiding placing the blame where it belongs with the perpetrators of the violence, which certainly IS part of the problem.

A few stats related to homicides:
"
• 1 in 20 (5%) of male murder victims are killed by intimate partners.xv
• Between 1980 and 2008, in cases in which the victim/offender relationships were known, 7.1% of men were killed
by an intimate.xvi
• The percentage of males killed by an intimate fell from 10.4% in 1980 to 4.9% in 2008, a 53% drop. "

For homicides in which the victim to offender relationship could be identified, 93 percent of female victims (1,450 out of 1,551) were murdered by a male they knew.
Fourteen times as many females were murdered by a male they knew (1,450 victims) than were killed by male strangers (101 victims)."

You just responded exactly the way "Liisgo" is trying to point out. Your stat's are all false, your shaming the hell out of it all.
Now where is it said Victims are responsible, no where. No where is anyone supporting abuse.
The fact is the stat's can and will never be accurate because of ignorance.
do you know that 90% of all abuse towards men goes un-recorded???

[Silverstarqueen]

Women abuse men all of the time, just not physically.

".

Interesting that you should say that, because if anyone claimed that "men abuse women all of the time", there would be a huge outcry (and no one is claiming that).

Whoa back down there Miss. I provided clear context. Do the same and there'd be no issue.

Nobody is going to get all up in arms if you say "Men abuse women all the time if you include verbal and emotional abuse". Other than perhaps to say "Same thing could be said about women". We're an abusive society plain and simple. That was the point and everyone here understood - I think you did as well.

I disagree. I do not believe, and I have not seen myself, that "Men abuse women all the time, just not physically". It just is not true. It's not true that women abuse men all the time (just not physically) either.

And besides that, you cannot equate mental abuse, which is what most people would call "unfair verbal fighting", namecalling (not in fun), verbal arguments. The distinction is generally made between these tactics which are more common in marital discord, and serious physical abuse. So there is not a huge amount of public concern as to why women might return to a relationship of arguments and verbal discord. Of course many couples stay together inspite of very bad feelings or unhealthy non-phyisical altercations. And most of us can understand why they might do that, for the sake of children, because they love each other in some way. This thread was clearly about violent physical abuse, where someone ends up in hospital, in a shelter, or in the morgue. Diversionary tactics bemoaning the unfortunate folks who can't seem to get along, into the world of unhappy couples where men (or women) are just arguing rather nastily without fear of physical repercussions, nice try but that's not really what we are talking about.

[Silverstarqueen]

When someone is put in the hospital, or dead, or nearly dead, they are a victim.

No one(not media, not society, not government) is suggesting that all men or even most men are abusing their spouses.
The fact remains that over 80% of the victims of serious, physical, abuse are female (and their children). They are victims, and suggesting they are not victims, or that they are responsible for the violence they endure, is just bashing victims and avoiding placing the blame where it belongs with the perpetrators of the violence, which certainly IS part of the problem.

A few stats related to homicides:
"
• 1 in 20 (5%) of male murder victims are killed by intimate partners.xv
• Between 1980 and 2008, in cases in which the victim/offender relationships were known, 7.1% of men were killed
by an intimate.xvi
• The percentage of males killed by an intimate fell from 10.4% in 1980 to 4.9% in 2008, a 53% drop. "

For homicides in which the victim to offender relationship could be identified, 93 percent of female victims (1,450 out of 1,551) were murdered by a male they knew.
Fourteen times as many females were murdered by a male they knew (1,450 victims) than were killed by male strangers (101 victims)."

You just responded exactly the way "Liisgo" is trying to point out. Your stat's are all false, your shaming the hell out of it all.
Now where is it said Victims are responsible, no where. No where is anyone supporting abuse.
The fact is the stat's can and will never be accurate because of ignorance.
do you know that 90% of all abuse towards men goes un-recorded???

Here's what Liisgo wrote: ". Its [this post] trying to point out that you, society and the system and the way people are doing all they can to retain the "victim-hood role" just for them.
Your posts make this clear to us, your society supports it. You can change by your own example. Come forward and admit, acknowledge your part. Have a day that supports your part and apology.
We live in a crap society when you can throw all the stones you want. The only thing that matters is when it happens to you.
Again, this is not supporting men or deflecting of any kind. Its pointing out that just maybe, maybe all those claiming a life and society of being a victim are actually playing their very own large part in it and their denial is whats holding us back from actually dealing with this crap."

Saying that "those who are a victim are playing their very own large part in it, and their denial" is blaming the victim. As is terms like "victim-hood role". These people are not playing the role of a victim. They actually are beaten, raped, killed, and that makes them a victim.

The stats I have listed are accurate, they vary a bit from state to state or province to province, but they are generally accurate. Nice try to just outright deny they exist, I am sure there are plenty of deniers with their own set of "alternative facts". Pointing out that men encounter mental abuse (when obviously that is not what we are talking about), is just a diversionary tactic. Yes, many women and men experience mental abuse, it cannot be compared to physical violence or credible threat of physical violence, which is what we are talking about. Often the mental abuse leads to physical violence, then it becomes a matter for the authorities. I doubt there is even a law against just having nasty altercations in a marriage, or even in the course of a divorce. But there sure are laws regarding physical violence, especially the kind that puts the victim in the hospital or the morgue.

Now if you gentlemen want to discuss the kind of spousal physical violence which 7-10% of men experience, and more than half of abused women experience, the kind that puts them in the hospital or the morgue, not just bad verbal arguments then we will all be on the same page.

[GordonH]

Its sad that victims of the abuse feel there is no other choice then to return to a relationship of more abuse.

Hey victims there are plenty of better catches out there, no one deserves abusive relationship.... do yourselves huge favour and move on.

[two_shoes1mit]

Why not stay on topic, "Why do women keep going back to abusive relationships?"

Who said all relationships were with men, could be woman to woman, or even business relationships and family.
It seems to have turned to a *bleep* contest instead.

Yes, women return to abusive relationships - so do men.
I would venture that men experience abuse as much as women do. It is expressed in many form as outlined
in this forum topic.

Open a discussion on women in abusive relationships and the attraction. AND
Also, open a discussion on men in abusive relationships and the attraction.

Fair is fair, and we've seen or experienced it - its all around us.

[Queen K]

Yes, Two_shoes you nailed it.

I did use a link to the young woman's tragic death and I'm going to supposition that being beaten so badly she did not bump into a doorway.

But the intrepretation that any relationship, a friend/enemy who always lets you know you are lessor, or a family member who just can't stop criticizing or bringing up past incidences which long should have been let go or even an employment situation can prove toxic.

Sadly I believe that the old fairy tale The Beauty and the Beast scenerio also contributes to women staying in abusive relationships, "I can just love him and prove that love enough he'll change and be a Prince." I believe that has done more damage to women's lives than we can ever count.

[Gixxer]

Why do women keep going back to abusive relationships? Weak minded, low self esteem and self worth.

[Silverstarqueen]

http://msmagazine.com/blog/2017/09/25/j ... d-men-u-s/
"For homicides in which the victim to offender relationship could be identified, 93 percent of female victims (1,450 out of 1,551) were murdered by a male they knew."

For the friends and family of even one woman who is killed, that one death has a huge impact.
But sadly, it isn't an isolated incident in our society.
Nasty marital battles are.. well nasty. These are matters for the divorce courts, or marriage counsellors.
But when it results in death or serious injury it becomes a matter for the community, for our legal system.
Women and children in our society are being attacked, beaten, injured and sometimes killed.
It is our responsibility as a community to help these victims, hopefully while they are still alive to be helped.
Who is responsible for the harm done? The men who decided to solve their problems with violence.
It does not have to be "most" men, or "all" men, because obviously it isn't. But it is "some" men, and it does not matter that it is a small percentage, it is still a crime and must be stopped.

[Silverstarqueen]

Why do women keep going back to abusive relationships? Weak minded, low self esteem and self worth.

These traits are the result of years of abuse, not the cause of them. Which is why these people need our help.

Years ago I met a man, who at first did not seem violent. But I began to see some troubling signs. I took them seriously before we were very far into the relationship. So I had no problem dumping him. If we had been together longer, gotten married, had kids before I saw the writing on the wall, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to risk his wrath just for trying to get away. It's not like you can just pack up your life and be safe, these guys come after you, and won't just let go.

[jimmy4321]

I don't know why they keep going back but I know why "many not all" hook up with these POS's in the first place - Money/Resources.
To the point that they are willing to look past the flaws or are simply blind to the temper thinking they are gonna be able to change them.

[Silverstarqueen]

I don't know why they keep going back but I know why "many not all" hook up with these *bleep*'s in the first place - Money/Resources.
To the point that they are willing to look past the flaws or are simply blind to the temper thinking they are gonna be able to change them.

Many of these violent partners are not beating up their partners initially. At some point they run into other stresses, job, alcohol, drugs, infidelity, and the cycle of arguments, violence, proceeds from there. No one gets married or "hooks up" planning to have the partnership fail, and get beaten up or killed as a result. People get married in a state of poverty or riches, either can end up being victims of violence.

Do they sometimes fail to break the cycle, to escape the violence because they don't have the money/resources to do it? Of course. Facing poverty with a handful of children is not anyone's idea of a great way to live. Would they risk their lives to avoid the break, or are they just convinced that they aren't going to be killed?

[StraitTalk]

Women abuse men all of the time, just not physically.

As to why they return to abusive relationships - like mentioned, the reasons are varied and complicated but most can be summarized as "Low self esteem".

I'm sorry buddy, but I have to call you out on this one. Most are not summarised as low self-esteem. Most are not summarised anywhere to my knowledge. There are thousands of reasons why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship and it completely depends on the situation. In my own mothers case, it was because she was extremely strong, and was used to the abuse from when she was a child. My mother had and still has an intense sense of responsibility for her children and didn't want to compromise that. Also, she loved my father, a lot, and wanted him to change. That's just my mother.

I don't want to see people in this thread painting it as "women aren't strong enough" to leave. That's bullcrap. Women are more mentally resilient than most men can ever hope to be. Every single situation is different from the next - please don't try to generalise something which cannot and should not be generalised.

[Gixxer]

I don't know why they keep going back but I know why "many not all" hook up with these *bleep*'s in the first place - Money/Resources.
To the point that they are willing to look past the flaws or are simply blind to the temper thinking they are gonna be able to change them.

Yes agreed. I know a few very attractive women that could date any men they want but continue to date the bad boy gangster drug dealer types. These same women didn't come from broken homes or suffer from a mental illness.

[liisgo]

Self-reported spousal violence,Component of Statistics Canada catalogue no. 85-002-X
Juristat
Rates of self-reported spousal violence against women stable
Using the General Social Survey, it is possible to examine the prevalence and severity of one form of intimate partner violence—spousal violence.21 According to the 2009 GSS, 6% of Canadian women currently or previously living in a spousal relationship experienced spousal violence in the previous five years, similar to rates reported for men (Table 1.9). This represented an estimated 601,000 women and 585,000 men that were either physically or sexually victimized by a legally married or common-law spouse (current or former).
While there was no significant change in the proportion of women who experienced spousal violence between 2004 and 2009, there was a statistically significant decline between 1999 (8%) and 2009 (6%). This decline was not present for spousal violence against men, where there was no significant change over time.
Lesbian and bisexual women are at increased risk of experiencing domestic violence…

Women who self-identify as lesbian or bisexual report violence by a current or previous spouse at three times the rate of heterosexual women (2009).28
Why do some try so hard to not acknowledge the truth of this issue. Seems everyone needs to get on side to fix this, Everyone.

[Silverstarqueen]

It's very difficult to get an accurate count of something as general as "violence" or "abuse", especially when self reported. When they count homicides, it makes it clear who is really taking the worst of the abuse. So yes, when altercations between couples get violent, they are likely each as likely to be responding physically, but who is dying as a result of excessive force? Woman punches man, he might have a bruise. Man punches woman, she could be dead or have broken jaw, broken ribs, concussion. Rates are for each sex, per million, over time in Canada. Although rates have come down for both sexes, at all points females were three or more times the rate of male victims. The large (gradual) drop in the rate does show that programs over the years have benefitted females and males.By 2014 the spousal homicide rate was brought down to females 4.4 per mill and males 1.1 per mill.

https://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-224-x/ ... 15-eng.htm"

"Another indicator of the heightened severity of spousal violence for women was their greater likelihood of being physically injured. In 2009, 42% of female spousal victims reported being injured in the previous five years, significantly higher than the 18% reported for male spousal victims."