Your kids.

[I Think]

So it is a pretty well understood fact that if a child is violently abused, he or she will be quite likely to be a violent abuser in adulthood.
If your adult child has problems selecting a suitably high quality mate, how much, if at all, does this reflect on you, the parents?

[WeatherWoman]

Well that depends. If your child grows up to be a well mannered responsible caring adult and makes a poor choice in partner then no it's not reflective of the parent. Sometimes we can't help who takes our heart.

[mysideofthings]

I feel like you are saying two different things.

First, not every child who is abused physically or otherwise becomes an abuser. I don't know the statistics on that either but know a lot who have been abused and are not abusers.

As an adult though, they are responsible for their own choices, especially relationship wise, and can't blame anyone else for it. Of course, they have to recognize that they have a choice to begin with and be able to see that things can actually be different (if they want things to change). If not, they might not have the capacity to make different choices. But they also have to believe they deserve something better.

Second, if they are an abuser themselves, they really need to be able to see what they do is not okay and be willing to change the behaviors.

Relationships are complicated to begin with, so abused in childhood or not, a person might have a hard time with healthy relationships regardless. But the bottom line for anyone is if they do want better for themselves, they can learn what a healthy relationship is and work towards it.

[kgcayenne]

I have a relative who overcame serious abuse. While she does have anxiety issues, she is a remarkable, loving, consistent mother, who overcame things that are pretty unspeakable.

If there is a cyclical factor to parental abuse, she stopped one in its tracks.

[I Think]

Note that I said "quite likely" of course many overcome bad situations.

It seems to be clear, that some young people seem to engage in a series of poor relationship choices, how does that reflect on parenting?

[kgcayenne]

Something that comes to mind for me is that once kids are in daycare and/or school, the influences of other kids outnumber the adults, and then your children are somewhat in the hands of a multitude of other parents by virtue of the values they have passed on to their children. Throw in some hardwired genetic code, and you have the opportunity for the wrong traits to be cultivated.

[OREZ]

Something that comes to mind for me is that once kids are in daycare and/or school, the influences of other kids outnumber the adults, and then your children are somewhat in the hands of a multitude of other parents by virtue of the values they have passed on to their children. Throw in some hardwired genetic code, and you have the opportunity for the wrong traits to be cultivated.

I agree. It's far too complicated an issue with too may variables to say it either is or isn't a reflection on parenting.

Caring, well adjusted people sometimes come out of awful homes but we don't credit their parents for providing the adversity which turned them into a stronger person or made them more considerate of the feelings of others because they knew what it was to be hurt or some other such nonsense. We say that they are nice people in spite of their upbringing.

For the same reason we shouldn't automatically jump to conclusions about parenting when a person turns out to be abusive or makes poor choices in potential mates. As you point out here, there are too many other influences which can be completely out of a parent's control.

[Piecemaker]

As already said, "there are too many other influences which can be completely out of a parent's control."