Children of Divorced Parents.

Social, economic and environmental issues in our ever-changing world.

Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby beancounter » Nov 20th, 2016, 4:40 pm

My daughter split from her hubby a few years back. He is an awesome Dad; just not what she needed for a husband. Her girls have adapted well with split custody; which was all talked out and arranged without lawyers. Great effort was made by both parents and both sets of grand parents to keep things as normal and amiable as possible. Sure there were some rough moments, but the girls needs were always put first and both parties have matured so now everyone gets along just fine. Both my daughter and her ex now have new partners, and again, effort is put in on both sides to keep things friendly. Some of my grand-daughters friends were actually surprised when they learn that her parents no longer live together, as they are always both at every soccer game etc. I have to admit I was worried at first, but I am proud of my daughter for standing up for herself, but for also never putting her own needs before her two daughters' needs. They are two great kids, who are lucky to have such caring parents.

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby Zoso » Nov 20th, 2016, 9:08 pm

Children need to be kids , they end up getting leaned on and poisoned into picking sides . They need structure and shelter , including shelter from adult problems . Worst thing you can do is act like a victim or be a victim in front of them . They need to lay thier heads down at night knowing mom or dad has it all under control. Kids gravitate towards security rather than the pathetic .

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby Muzza » Nov 21st, 2016, 12:44 pm

My ex-wife had an online affair and kidnapped my son and took off to Quebec and moved herself and my 10 year old son in with a guy she had never met in person. Even though I managed to get full custody of my son, and could have moved him back to BC, there was no way I was going to take him away from his mother. Therefore I packed up and moved to Quebec for 3 years until my son was old enough to make up his own mind where he wanted to live. When he was 13 I was able to go to court and through his own lawyer he had his voice heard and we were able to move back to BC

I am still good friends with my ex. It was difficult as according to her, everything was my fault. For 6 months, every time my ex and I spoke on the phone, all I got was abuse. I never once lost my temper. Finally, the anger stopped. Eventually my ex told me that I treated her far better than she deserved.

When my son and I were driving across Canada back to BC, out of the blue he said to me "Dad, I so glad you and mom are friends".

My point is, when divorce occurs, it is not about the parents, it is about the kids. I put my entire life on hold for the 3 years - never dated, and made sure my son knew that he was my only priority. The kids must come first. Because I didn't let hurt and anger control me, my ex and I are very supportive of each other (I never stopped being supportive of her), my son is very well adjusted and happy. I have offered repeatedly to move back to Quebec if he wants to be near his mom. Every time he says no, he wants to stay here.

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby RustyCrayon » Nov 21st, 2016, 2:14 pm

Muzza wrote:My ex-wife had an online affair and kidnapped my son and took off to Quebec and moved herself and my 10 year old son in with a guy she had never met in person. Even though I managed to get full custody of my son, and could have moved him back to BC, there was no way I was going to take him away from his mother. Therefore I packed up and moved to Quebec for 3 years until my son was old enough to make up his own mind where he wanted to live. When he was 13 I was able to go to court and through his own lawyer he had his voice heard and we were able to move back to BC

I am still good friends with my ex. It was difficult as according to her, everything was my fault. For 6 months, every time my ex and I spoke on the phone, all I got was abuse. I never once lost my temper. Finally, the anger stopped. Eventually my ex told me that I treated her far better than she deserved.

When my son and I were driving across Canada back to BC, out of the blue he said to me "Dad, I so glad you and mom are friends".

My point is, when divorce occurs, it is not about the parents, it is about the kids. I put my entire life on hold for the 3 years - never dated, and made sure my son knew that he was my only priority. The kids must come first. Because I didn't let hurt and anger control me, my ex and I are very supportive of each other (I never stopped being supportive of her), my son is very well adjusted and happy. I have offered repeatedly to move back to Quebec if he wants to be near his mom. Every time he says no, he wants to stay here.


Your son is lucky to have such an amazing father! If more people were like you, the world would be a much better place.

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby nepal » Dec 1st, 2016, 7:51 pm

.
Best Christmas wishes for children of split families:

# Who have to decide how to share Christmas between separated parents.
# Who have only one parent they respect enough to spend Christmas with.
# Who lose touch with siblings, as they now have less contact and won't hear from them at Christmas.
# Who choose to spend Christmas away from family, rather than make a choice.
# Who won't want to deal with the complexity of step-families that they had no choice.
# Who won't see or hear from a parent who abandoned their family for greener pastures.
# Who have to do risky and costly travel between parents.
# Who are alienated by relatives and former family friends who no longer want to be associated due to the split.
# Who are in some way abused by step-families.
# Who have to deal with a greedy step-parent, who cleans-out the new spouse's finances.
# Who have less or no family around, to share their accomplishments and important days.
# Who have only one gender home to help mentor them in shaping their personality.
# Who have bad marks in school, because they are consumed by family problems.
# Who have bad marks at school, because the only struggling parent has no time to help with homework.
# Who are alienated by former school friends.
# Who are bullied at school, because they've lost friends and family support.
# Who are accused of things they didn't do, because they are a convenient target.
# Who don't have proper diet or hygiene, because one struggling parent can't see-to nor afford the basics, such as dental.
# Who are struggling financially, as parents split assets and made lawyers wealthy instead.
# Who lose their familiar family home and now live in less home, or on the street.
# Who may never see nor hear from family members for the rest of their life.
# Who have their own children, who may never meet their divorced grandparent(s).
# Who have a parent villainizing their spouse, by inventing hurtful stories about them, making themselves look innocent.
# Who have an adulterous parent, who thinks they've kept it secret, and villainize the other parent.
# Who have parents who lived beyond their financial means and then argued their family into destruction.
# Who have a substance abuse parent, sometimes to relieve family induced stress, driving the family further into destruction.
# Who has a parent who accuses their spouse of substance abuse, yet themself use substances or act to induce the abuse.
# Who has a parent who may not support or understand their spouse during times of spouse's non-family related stress.
# Who remember family details at a very young age, but finally join the destructive dots, when they are older and wiser.
# Who suffer the side effects of their parents selfish actions, for a lifetime.
# Who use substance abuse to ease the pain.
# Who will put on a Happy Face, to try to make a parent happy.

# Sometimes one or both parents can get a mature, compassionate, grip on life, and avoid all the above. Life is very short, there are no dress-rehearsals, no time-outs, just make it right asap.

# Some children of split families will simply be happy and well adjusted.

## Children of strong, well functioning, original family units, appreciate how incredibly fortunate you are. Your compassion for those less fortunate, will likely be appreciated.
.
. :sleepdeprived:
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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby Rosemary1 » Dec 2nd, 2016, 9:12 pm

On the last two points -yes ideally a strong functioning well adjusted 2 parent family is best for all children.

And while it may be harder for some single or divorced parents to create that same home environment it doesn't mean that every child with single or divorced parents is in such a dark place as the previous points suggest. A lot depends on the parent(s) and their willingness and ability to be vested in their children and put their children's interests first.

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby nepal » Dec 17th, 2016, 12:31 pm

:smt045
Hopefully some divorced parents can be civilized with each other during Christmas, for the sake of their children. The best ever Christmas gift for many Children of Divorced Parents, would be for a whole-family dinner, or get-together, to demonstrate that family members don't need to be enemies, and actually be nice to each other. Such couples were nice to each other when they first met, but then something went off the rails, so they do have it in them to be nice to each other, if only temporarily, for the kids.

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby nepal » Dec 21st, 2017, 2:10 am

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby Poindexter » Dec 22nd, 2017, 9:49 am

Nepal makes a good point that's reinforced by the study the OP posted. They found that conflict between divorced parents has a more negative impact on a child's ability to adjust to thier parents splitting up, than the divorce itself.

Interparental conflict. Although clinicians have postulated an association between parental conflict and maladjustment in children for many years (Baruch & Wilcox, 1944; Minuchin; 1974), empirical attention to the effects of parental discord on children has increased only in the last two decade. From these recent controlled studies and from earlier reports of "broken" families, interparental conflict has been consistently identified as a major source of behavior problems in children across a wide array of family structures and settings (for reviews see Davies & Cummings, 1994; Grych & Fincham, 1990), including divorced and separated families (Hetherington et al., 1978). There is some evidence to suggest that parental conflict is the most salient influence on children's adjustment to divorce. In a recent meta-analysis, Amato and Keith (1991) compared the relative efficacy of three variables (parental absence, economic disadvantage, and parental conflict) to mediate the effects of divorce on children's adjustment. Although moderate effect sizes were found for both parental absence and economic disadvantage, parental conflict accounted for more of the negative consequences of divorce.
"Please understand that a lot of what the right does, and it's maybe their greatest genius, is they've created a code of conduct that they police, that they themselves don't have to, in any way, abide." Jon Stewart

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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby foodsmith » Dec 22nd, 2017, 3:51 pm

I have to opint out that the study cited is horribly outdated.

We have achieved massive advances in both neurodevelopmental affect/effect and attachment injury within family systems (due to family of origin breakdown) since this was published... Massive.
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Re: Children of Divorced Parents.

Postby Piecemaker » Dec 22nd, 2017, 6:23 pm

foodsmith wrote:I have to opint out that the study cited is horribly outdated.

We have achieved massive advances in both neurodevelopmental affect/effect and attachment injury within family systems (due to family of origin breakdown) since this was published... Massive.


Just because a study is old, doesn't mean it isn't valid. The conflict between the two people a child loves most is very difficult and traumatic to them.
Also harmful is the absence of one parent from their lives (and sometimes grandparents and extended family members).
Many use their children as bargaining chips and mete out punishment to former spouse by refusing access to him/her and their parents, etc. The loss to a child can be as significant as the death of a parent or grand parent.
(There are some situations in which one sparent is not a safe person to be around a child. For example, they have sexually abused a child. However in cases where the parents are both equally loving and a bit flawed like typical humans, they should both continue to have a parental role and a united front when it comes to their child/ren.)
It's possible to do all the right things and still get a bad result.
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