No One can Agree on Parenting

[Veovis]

I just read this article:

https://www.castanet.net/news/This-is-L ... Maleficent


I found it interesting, and though right also wrong on certain topics. I'll touch on a couple of them, but this isn't intended for "this parents opinions" but all parents to realize and understand that as much as every kid is different from the other in one family let alone other families, the strategies and methods used will vary from here to there as well.

To start it off just a couple of the points...

1. In the article she complains the child doesn't have free control of her money earned. I agree that is good. Kids are dumb, I was dumb as were the rest of you and you all know it, however, I also did learn money management because I was provided with money to manage. I think balance is the need here as you can teach the kids incentives, my offer to my kids is if they save it long term I will match, however as they get older I think it is fair they receive 50% of each payday and 50% goes to long term savings be it a car or university etc to some extent.

Full freedom will not make things better. (an allowance is a good starting point)

2. Education is my kids job right now. I cover every expense the little humans have and they have one job.....an honest effort with the clear results that come from such an effort. Now this doesn't mean 97% in every class, all kids are different remember, take the time to find the strengths and weaknesses and assist, but understand their limitations as well.

3. Drivers licence - for me, my kids will have to have the right attitude and mentality before I allow them to try running a lethal object out and about town. IT is certainly a part of the morph into adulthood, but some kids do morphing at 15 some at 24.


There are so many differences in parenting but why not stir the pot for some fun by starting with this article and building from there.

Play nice kids.

[Grandan]

I taught all 4 of my daughters to drive. They drove stick shifts to start with. I made them drive backwards around the traffic islands at Orchard Park in both directions. They drove in the vacant field and they drove with me for a long time. They got to use a car occasionally and knew if they crashed it would be expensive. One did crash her car and she had to find herself a new ride.
I don't go along with taking away a kid's hard earned money but there need to be a discussion beforehand when jobs are lined up.

[Veovis]

I taught all 4 of my daughters to drive. They drove stick shifts to start with. I made them drive backwards around the traffic islands at Orchard Park in both directions. They drove in the vacant field and they drove with me for a long time. They got to use a car occasionally and knew if they crashed it would be expensive. One did crash her car and she had to find herself a new ride.
I don't go along with taking away a kid's hard earned money but there need to be a discussion beforehand when jobs are lined up.

I wouldn't take my kids money I would have it for education costs, etc. I know as a kid, looking back I would have wasted far to much and been in a far different spot now.

AS for Driving in reverse. Great point! It is getting to be a lost art isn't it, I know I can, but not many others I know are any darn good at it.

[Queen K]

My mom made us have a bank account but her name was on it. Needless to say, very little was ever withdrawn.

[Silverstarqueen]

I had earnings/savings programs with my kids too, and it's a great way to teach them. We discussed the idea that if you had a bit put away, you could buy bigger, neater things, instead of frittering it all away on momentary pleasures (which are also important too). It seems to have worked, they are good workers, savers, and can afford (sort of) the lifestyles they have chosen, which are different for each.
One thing you want to think about carefully is the amount of cash your kids have control of when they hit their teens. They will be offered drugs of every type when they hit highschool and don't be thinking your child would never. If they end up going down that rabbit hole you are going to have a very large problem on your hands.On the other hand if they have no money, there will also be the temptation to find their own secret ways to make money, and you won't like most of those either.

Another thing I am concerned about is the amount of time teens are spending at screens. Is a cell phone really a necessity? I am divided on it.Somehow my kids survived highschool without, and they are pretty pricey.Once they have their own job though, it will be difficult to control a lot of the spending power they have, so you have to hope you have taught them well by that time.
Most of parenting (aside from being sure they understand they are loved regardless), is teaching them there are always long term (often unanticipated) consequences to just about every decision. And life is about decisions, it generally doesn't just randomly happen to a person. How will you handle the first time they smack up a car? Their first heartbreak? Alcohol? My god there are just so many ways for kids to get in trouble, it's a wonder most make it thru unscathed. They are human, and they aren't dealing with a full deck, yet they get to make life altering decisions that many adults can't handle.

As my Aunt used to say, I'm not going to judge anyone elses kids until my own are grown up.

[youjustcomplain]

I disagree with point #1. We don't teach them anything about money management if we do it for them by forcing them to do it one way or another.

I grew up with a very meager allowance that I had to work for. I was able to as I pleased with the money I "earned". The $1 per week was almost as worthless today as it was back then but after a few months, I had enough saved for something useful. Sure, when I first started getting my allowance, I would blow it all on snacks. A freezie here, a bag of chips there, then I was out of money so fast. A few months of being broke as a 10 year old was enough and I was into saving mode to buy things I actually wanted. By the time I was 13 and making a decent wage (lol), I could afford to spend a few dimes on freezies and save for better stuff.

It certainly taught me how to spend money appropriately.

On the flip side, if my parents had managed my money for me, I'd have left their house having no idea how to do it for myself. Chances are, I'd have abandoned their method the moment I could have for the new opportunity for freedom, only by that time, I'd be expected to be a responsible adult. <--not a good time to learn how to mismanage your cash

[Grandan]

I had earnings/savings programs with my kids too, and it's a great way to teach them. We discussed the idea that if you had a bit put away, you could buy bigger, neater things, instead of frittering it all away on momentary pleasures (which are also important too). It seems to have worked, they are good workers, savers, and can afford (sort of) the lifestyles they have chosen, which are different for each.
One thing you want to think about carefully is the amount of cash your kids have control of when they hit their teens. They will be offered drugs of every type when they hit highschool and don't be thinking your child would never. If they end up going down that rabbit hole you are going to have a very large problem on your hands.On the other hand if they have no money, there will also be the temptation to find their own secret ways to make money, and you won't like most of those either.

Another thing I am concerned about is the amount of time teens are spending at screens. Is a cell phone really a necessity? I am divided on it.Somehow my kids survived highschool without, and they are pretty pricey.Once they have their own job though, it will be difficult to control a lot of the spending power they have, so you have to hope you have taught them well by that time.
Most of parenting (aside from being sure they understand they are loved regardless), is teaching them there are always long term (often unanticipated) consequences to just about every decision. And life is about decisions, it generally doesn't just randomly happen to a person. How will you handle the first time they smack up a car? Their first heartbreak? Alcohol? My god there are just so many ways for kids to get in trouble, it's a wonder most make it thru unscathed. They are human, and they aren't dealing with a full deck, yet they get to make life altering decisions that many adults can't handle.

As my Aunt used to say, I'm not going to judge anyone elses kids until my own are grown up.

I like to refer back to the marshmellow test to gain some insight into predictors of a willingness to wait for a bigger reward.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX_oy9614HQ
There are of course factors that can seriously skew the outcome of such a test.

[Lady tehMa]

We paid into our kids' education - at an independent school. It's been hard, and we've had to make sacrifices but that has been good for them to see. We've always modeled that you have to work for what you get.

The older child has saved enough to pay for her course at OUC (she starts in September). The younger graduates this year. He also has a job working for the school which he has had for 2 years now. He has bought himself some fun things (XBOX 1 and a few games) but has also paid for other things, including a car (which should be on the road soon).

Both kids have gone through a spending phase, and in my daughter's case I didn't bail her out when she ran out of money. In my son's case I had the bank print out a summary of spending for the summer and made him add it up to see how much all the "little" expenses turned into. He promptly took his debit card out of his wallet and left it in his room.

We are letting the kids stay at home until they can afford to be on their own (or more likely, renting with friends).

No one can agree on parenting because everyone has different values. We value common sense and hard work - I'm finding others value giving their kids everything (usually out of love).

[perspicacious]

All of the above are such great points.

I myself worked throughout high school, saved some and used it to buy things then moved out when I was just 17 and rented a place. I then worked harder to support myself whilst going to college. Was it hard? You betcha... do I want this for my child? No way! What is the balance between giving your kids too much and teaching them the value of a dollar? I struggle with this last question because I myself have done everything the hard way. Sure I was a saver and had listened hard when I was taught about the value of a dollar but it seems in todays age the new generation doesn't get it nor do they feel like they have to.

The above comments are so good to hear as I will be thinking about this the next time I dish out a $20 here and there for my childs weekend activity. It has been on the forefront of my thoughts this last week as my wallet has been getting empty of $20's for the spring break activities. Its nice to know that I am not the only one out there that thinks about these things.

[Lady tehMa]

All of the above are such great points.

I myself worked throughout high school, saved some and used it to buy things then moved out when I was just 17 and rented a place. I then worked harder to support myself whilst going to college. Was it hard? You betcha... do I want this for my child? No way! What is the balance between giving your kids too much and teaching them the value of a dollar? I struggle with this last question because I myself have done everything the hard way. Sure I was a saver and had listened hard when I was taught about the value of a dollar but it seems in todays age the new generation doesn't get it nor do they feel like they have to.

The above comments are so good to hear as I will be thinking about this the next time I dish out a $20 here and there for my childs weekend activity. It has been on the forefront of my thoughts this last week as my wallet has been getting empty of $20's for the spring break activities. Its nice to know that I am not the only one out there that thinks about these things.

That is the question - and you're right - it is a hard one. In our case we have never had a lot of extra, so our kids haven't had much choice. We will do what we can, but within reason. We won't go into debt.

[Silverstarqueen]

THe main factor skewing the marshmallow test is the age of the children. If I had a ten or twelve year old that took the instant marshmallow instead of waiting for two marshmallows, I would be very concerned. True, some adults are still operating at the four to five year old stage when they are thirty or forty. They probably don't have very satisfying lives.

[Grandan]

THe main factor skewing the marshmallow test is the age of the children. If I had a ten or twelve year old that took the instant marshmallow instead of waiting for two marshmallows, I would be very concerned. True, some adults are still operating at the four to five year old stage when they are thirty or forty. They probably don't have very satisfying lives.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/arch ... ol/380673/

It began in the early 1960s at Stanford University’s Bing Nursery School, where Mischel and his graduate students gave children the choice between one reward (like a marshmallow, pretzel, or mint) they could eat immediately, and a larger reward (two marshmallows) for which they would have to wait alone, for up to 20 minutes. Years later, Mischel and his team followed up with the Bing preschoolers and found that children who had waited for the second marshmallow generally fared better in life. For example, studies showed that a child’s ability to delay eating the first treat predicted higher SAT scores and a lower body mass index (BMI) 30 years after their initial Marshmallow Test. Researchers discovered that parents of “high delayers” even reported that they were more competent than “instant gratifiers”—without ever knowing whether their child had gobbled the first marshmallow.

There is some good discussion with the author with follow up on students of the study.

[Silverstarqueen]

What would be an interesting further experiment would be to see if it were possible to teach children to practice delayed gratification, or if this is something some people can do and others can't.
My kids tell me about other students in their classes which would rather socialize or horse around in class when they were given an opportunity to get their homework done during the lesson. Other kids would buckle down, do the work, and be laughing beause they didn't have homework, were free to enjoy other pursuits after school. Another sort of lesson in delayed gratification. I guess the ultimate result would be, can someone delay all the normal activities of adulthood, to spend several years getting a law, or medical degree.

[Veovis]

What would be an interesting further experiment would be to see if it were possible to teach children to practice delayed gratification, or if this is something some people can do and others can't.
My kids tell me about other students in their classes which would rather socialize or horse around in class when they were given an opportunity to get their homework done during the lesson. Other kids would buckle down, do the work, and be laughing beause they didn't have homework, were free to enjoy other pursuits after school. Another sort of lesson in delayed gratification. I guess the ultimate result would be, can someone delay all the normal activities of adulthood, to spend several years getting a law, or medical degree.

Interesting idea. However too many "I want it now" parents are making even more so kids these days. My kid learned that horsing around or goofing off when given school time was pointless, as I talked to the teacher regular and had things set that the work gets done. PERIOD. After that the reality became not done at school you do it at home......got done at school.

ALL kids can be taught/trained. I think the marshmallow test could be redone with kids 5-6-7-8-9-10-11 with a coin and a candy machine....get twice the cash and not even have to spend it on the candy and see real results, not trendy results.

[Silverstarqueen]

I don't know, if people (adults) could learn which behaviors net a greater return, they wouldn't go to the bingo/gambling hall would they? Surely they would find out eventually that for every $100 they spend, they get back only $40 at best over time. Then they would never gamble again. However, we know that doesn't happen. Maybe some people learn, but many others keep going back and giving away more money than they get back (they call it winning!).