Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[ferri]

A guy walked into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, you can have a drink, but ya better not start anything

[Ub2]

Know why men love women dressed in leather?? Answer: They smell like new cars:)

[ferri]

Do you know why the turkey crossed the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken.

[w84u2]

Do you know why the turkey crossed the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken.

I know there is a "Turducken" joke in there somewhere. Anyways.....not bad

[ferri]

Possible New United Airlines Motto’s:
1/ “Drag and Drop”
2/“We put the hospital in hospitality”
3/“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
4/“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
5/“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
6/“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
7/“We treat you like we treat your luggage”
8/“We beat the customer. Not the competition”
9/“And you thought leg room was an issue”
10/“Where voluntary is mandatory”
11/“Fight or flight. We decide”
12 “Now offering one free carry off”
13/“Beating random customers since 2017”
14/“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you by your feet”
15/“A bloody good airline”

[Alexa1994]

Possible New United Airlines Motto’s:
1/ “Drag and Drop”
2/“We put the hospital in hospitality”
3/“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
4/“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
5/“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
6/“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
7/“We treat you like we treat your luggage”
8/“We beat the customer. Not the competition”
9/“And you thought leg room was an issue”
10/“Where voluntary is mandatory”
11/“Fight or flight. We decide”
12 “Now offering one free carry off”
13/“Beating random customers since 2017”
14/“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you by your feet”
15/“A bloody good airline”

[d0nb]

Hillary phones the West Wing in a dither: “I need to talk to the President. It’s an emergency!”
Reluctantly, Trump takes the call and grumbles “So, what is it that’s so important?"
“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take her place," begs Hillary.
Trump hesitates only briefly: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary."

[ferri]

Deathbed Conversation:


Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed. He knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:



"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."



The wife replies, "The jerk had a paper route."

[neilsimon]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: November 18, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

[Bsuds]

The Pope and Trump were on a stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned toward Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they think of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

[Bsuds]

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir, it's Google Pizza

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month
.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.Do you want your usual, sir?


According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large
pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL?
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

[Bsuds]

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, 'Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.'

God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.'

'But Lord,' responded Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?'

'No, not really.' God replied..........'Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.'

[Bsuds]

[Bsuds]

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Bsuds]