Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[Bsuds]

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:






* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.
______________________________



* You're a woman and you’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising
______________________________


* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________


* You’re a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________


* You're a woman and you’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,

"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________


*You're a woman and you’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you,

but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________


* You’re a woman and your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.
______________________________


* You're a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________





*If you are a man and secretly disclose a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed,





That’s "Insider Trading."

__________________ ____________




* You’re a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and
grabs your *bleep*.

That's Bill Clinton.
______________________________


* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America.

[Bsuds]

At a busy city bus stop in Houston, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a very tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, hoping that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.



With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.

[alanjh595]

It's All MEN
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

And when we have REAL trouble, it's a...

HISterectomy

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

[alanjh595]

Friendship among men:


A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two said that he was still there.

[Bsuds]

Colonoscopy

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming
colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have
it done while visiting friends in San Francisco ,
where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle
and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the
nurse began my procedure...

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's
quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"I do." replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco .

[Bsuds]

60 YEARS TOGETHER






Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.


"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one."Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient … you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift.”

"Not to worry," said the father. “The important thing is we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's some-thing your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”


The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're *bleep*?”


"Yep," said the father. "Cheap ones, too…”

[d0nb]

[Bsuds]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"

Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"

Businessman: "Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

Businessman: "How close?"

Flight Attendant: "Same price".

[alanjh595]

^^^^^^^^ round trip, one way, or round the world?

[Bpeep]

Bsuds wanders into an ice cream shop, and in true geriatric style, ordered a single serve of vanilla ice cream with some chocolate sauce on it.
In an attempt to upsell, the young server queried, "crushed nuts"?
"Nope", Bsuds replied. "Rheumatism"".

[Bsuds]

The rain was pouring down.



There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.



A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"



"Fishing" replied the old man.



Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."



In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart *bleep*, cannot resist asking,



"So how many have you caught today?"



"You're the eighth", says the old man

[Bsuds]

[Bsuds]

Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then, Michelle Obama was offered $50.00 by National Geographic ?

And remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

Now KFC is offering the "TRUDEAU Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and *bleep*.

[Bsuds]

Prince Harry's Bachelor Party - Quote of the Day

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill
has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

[Bsuds]

A friend of Donald -- maybe a golfing buddy -- told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night:

There was a really really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past.

It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge! Really, really huge.

Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best!
By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?"

His friend said that he couldn't tell.

The casket was closed.