Single 30-Somethings....Outcasts Of Society?

[bluestar]

I am in my early 30's, single, never been married (almost got engaged, but things didn't work out), and no children. I am surrounded by friends (also in their 30's) that are either common-law, engaged, married, and/or starting families. Heck, even all my co-workers (most of which are even younger than I am) are engaged or married. Basically, I am the only one left of my kind in my inner circle.

I never had a problem being on my own, I was always the strong, independent woman that managed just fine. But the social pressure of meeting "the one" and settling down is starting to make me gasp for air. I guess it isn't helping when everyone around me has been lucky enough to find the right person to settle down with. I myself have not been so lucky. Suddenly I'm wondering where I started losing my strength, feeling as if I'm inadequate, too embarrased to state my single status. I don't even enjoy spending time with my married friends anymore, as it only reminds of what I don't have and makes me feel even worse about myself. It bothers me that I am beginning to feel as though my self-worth has declined because I don't have the "other half" to complete me, as society would expect of each of us. It doesn't matter that I have a great job, that I would like to turn into a life-long career. None of that matters if you don't have anyone to come home to at the end of the day. My independence has been replaced with emptiness, a void in my life that is starting to break my spririt, and is sapping the energy and happiness out of me. So here I am, spilling my inner most thoughts into a silly forum, hoping that somebody out there can relate and help snap me out of this bleak state of mind I'm in.

Why do I feel ashamed to still be single and alone at my age? Do I want to get married and have a family? Absolutely I do. But what do you do if it doesn't happen for you? Are you supposed to shrivel up and be reclusive? Why do we let society make us feel alienated if we don't have a significant other? I welcome any thoughtful insight as I could really use something to lift my spirits right about now. Oh, but please spare me the "You're still young, it'll happen" speech. Quite frankly, I've heard it enough from my own friends, I don't need to hear it here either. Thank you....

[JayByrd]

Honestly, I think you're putting a way more pressure on yourself than society is. I understand that you're feeling our culture's definition of how people's lives should play out (get married, have children), but are people actually treating you any differently? It seems to me like you've started ruminating on the subject, and you're making yourself feel worse and worse about it.

There is an unavoidable truth to what you said about feeling alienated towards your married friends though. My wife and I have been together for almost six years, and married for almost two, and we've found ourselves shifting very much towards other couples in our social lives. Not that we've told our single friends to take a hike, but being around other couples feels a lot more natural. I think that's human nature though, we relate best to people who are at the same stage of life as we are. As a successful, independent person, I'm sure if you've had any "failure to launch" type friends in your life (no job or lousy job, not living independently), you've probably grown apart from them.

I empathize with you in this...knowing that you're life is not in any way inadequate, yet feeling like you're missing the party. I wish I could offer something more helpful.

[ImRight]

Hi Bluestar, you sound like a sweethart. If I wasn't happily married I date you. what are you doing to get out and meet men. I know some couples that met at the bar, some on internet dating. Maybe set a goal to have at least 2 dates a month till you find the right man. lots of ways to meet people - walk your dog, shopping ect. and remember you can ask the man for a date.

Be happy and smile and laugh lots usually attracts nice people.

[Mr Danksworth]

www.plentyoffish.com
Happy hunting.

[fluffy]

Someone once wiser than myself once said "You'll never make it in a relationship if you don't know how to be single."

We've all seen people who get into relationships more out of desperation than anything else, and we all know what the success rate of those relationships is. No one knows what's in the cards for each of us, it's a very real possibility that the "right" person might never come along, but is that a reason to "settle" for a mate with a huge list of incompatibilities? Of course a perfect match is pretty rare, and if we set the bar too high then we are shortening the list of potential partners considerably, much more realistic to work on our own ability to accept others at their face value, warts and all so to speak.

[grumpydigger]

The pressure to get married, must be quite a bit different for males and females.Thinking that you're an outcast simply because you're not married by your early 30s must be difficult for a woman... but then again three quarters of the people I know, that got married in their early to mid 30s , are divorce now...some of them twice.........some of them learned a little from the mistakes they made, and others just kept on repeating them........like one of my friends said, I finally just got fed up with giving everything away every four to six years..........I think its quite a bit better to be a free outcast ,then be trapped in something simply because you think that's what society wants..basically just be yourself, and realize that a lot of these people are not living in the paradise you think they are .............

[Lady tehMa]

I've been married a while, and it is hard, losing touch with single friends. It isn't that they aren't good enough, but that what we had in common is no longer as much as what we don't have in common.

I have a couple of good friends who are single, and we're down to a couple of letters a year. I talk about the minutiae of day-to-day with kids and husband and work. They talk about the last boyfriend, the next boyfriend, or the joys of being single. It's gotten so we're speaking different languages, we just don't relate to each other anymore.

In your shoes, I would seek out a singles group - not so much a dating group as a discussion group. If not in person, then online? You want, you need to hear from people who are in your situation, who have information relevant to you.

[bluestar]

Thank you all for the replies so far. As for internet dating, been there done that, and not interested in meeting anyone that way anymore. As for having married friends, yes I hear what you are saying - I just don't feel anything in common with them anymore, especially since all they can talk about is husbands and kids and nothing more (is there not more to life than just those 2 things?). To them, there isn't.

One of my married male friends said to me "there's a lot of people that would rather be in your shoes". He knows some people that are married that wish they weren't. Which makes me wonder if anyone is ever really satisfied with their life anymore? Why do we always want what we don't have, and think the grass is greener on the other side? Should we just settle for what is, and find contentment in that? I understand what you mean in saying married life isn't always the paradise it seems to others. I got out of a relationship recently that seemed peachy to everybody on the surface, but was ridden with negativity behind closed doors which is why it didn't last.

Please don't mistake my comments for a self-pity party. I guess I'm just in a phase of my life right now where I'm wondering what it is that I really need to be doing right now. Do I focus on finding a partner? Do I focus on my career? Do I focus on myself, and figure out more of who I am and what I want for myself and out of life? It's an introspective time for me, and is proving to be very tough. But I guess you have to go through some pain to come out a stronger and better person at the end of it. Thank you all, once again for the insights and please keep them coming.

[fluffy]

It's been said before that the right partner has a knack for showing up as soon as you stop searching for him/her.

[Triple 6]

My brother in law is looking for that "special someone" too. He tried plenty o fish, too many nutbags. He's at the point where if it happens, it happens. He is a great guy, still goes and hangs with all his married buddies and is constantly "trying" to be set up.

[gardengirl]

My brother in law is looking for that "special someone" too. He tried plenty o fish, too many nutbags. He's at the point where if it happens, it happens. He is a great guy, still goes and hangs with all his married buddies and is constantly "trying" to be set up.

I hated that when I was single. I didn't want to be set up, and I didn't want to hear about kids' soccer.
It's very weird when you are in a different place in your life and no longer have anything in common with your old friends. I found that I had the most in common with people who were older than myself.
Their kids were grown up and they had no desire to go to kid-friendly places.

[Lilapplepie]

I completely hear you on what you are saying. I'm mid-thirties and single and LOVING IT. All my friends are married, but it doesn't bother me in the least. I love being alone, waking up whenever I please, staying up till 4am if I want. I'm the boss of my life.
People ask me if I ever will get married and the answer is yes. Probably not for another 40 years though. HAHA
My advice is get out and have fun...take some classes, join a gym...Do it now before you meet Mr. Right and have responsiblities as a wife and mother.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

[JLives]

Definately focus on yourself and figure out what makes you happy. When you stop looking things tend to just fall into place. I met my partner one drunken night at a bar and we'll be together 10 years this November. Neither one of us was looking for anything. I happened to have lighter with blinking lights on it and he saw it and came over. So my recommendation is to carry shiny things around lol.

[WhatThe]

I personally have found that when feeling lonely and wanting to find someone nothing seems to happen, but when I am happy and content with the way things are, work social life, women start crawling out of the woodwork. Could never figure out why that is, but it seems to be the case. Kinda like when you are in a relationship and not looking anymore all of a sudden, without them even knowing if you are single or not they almost....almost start throwing themselves at you, maybe it's the pheromones or energy we put out because of our emotions.
Less pressure more fun, I've found that things always work themselves out.

[bluestar]

I guess I already know that there's no magical answer or solution here...everybody's life plays out differently, and at different times. I don't expect anyone to have a solid answer on this, it's just interesting to see other viewpoints on it.

As for putting more pressure on myself than society actually is, that's not necessarily true in my case. It's pretty hard to not be thinking about all this when your attached friends do nothing but talk about their engagements, marriages, kids, etc. to you, knowing damn well that you don't have any of those things. It's a constant reminder that quite frankly, I just don't really need and am sick of hearing.

It sure would be nice to meet some single people in this town, not in hopes of finding a relationship, but just to be around others in the same boat. You know, those that can carry a conversation beyond the topic of the hubby, wife, or baby. It would be nice to have conversations that stimulate the mind (current events, environmental concerns, etc.) but also for pure entertainment (movies, music, etc.). So if there are any other singles in the same boat, please drop me a line and remind me that I'm not alone here.....thank you!