Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Share your jokes, cartoons, funny stories.
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

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One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

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So every morning at exactly 9am my 90 yr old neighbour knocks on my door.

He has dementia and always asks if I have seen his Wife?

I feel so bad having to tell him every day that she died 10 years ago.

I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't answer the door or just lie to him but I enjoy seeing the smile on his face as he walks away. :130:
One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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Catsumi
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

Bsuds wrote: Aug 25th, 2023, 2:54 pm So every morning at exactly 9am my 90 yr old neighbour knocks on my door.

He has dementia and always asks if I have seen his Wife?

I feel so bad having to tell him every day that she died 10 years ago.

I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't answer the door or just lie to him but I enjoy seeing the smile on his face as he walks away. :130:
You cannot ‘reason’ with dementia patients, they are off in another world. I gave up trying to tell the truth to mom and instead elected to tell her what she ‘needed’ to hear.

Difficult in twisting the reality for me? yes, but if it makes her happy, even momentarily, where’s the harm?
Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice. There’s a certain point at which ignorance becomes malice, at which there is simply no way to become THAT ignorant except deliberately and maliciously.

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PoplarSoul
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by PoplarSoul »

A wife said to her husband over breakfast, "I had a dream that you gave me a diamond ring. What do you think that means?"
He answered "You'll find out tonight".
And sure enough, that night he gave her a book entitled "Interpreting Dreams".
"Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world." Howard Zinn
It's the simple things in life that brings joy.
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

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One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

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One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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normaM
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by normaM »

A woman driving a car in Calgary became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to SHOPPERS DRUG MART now?
Doubt even Jesus loves you
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.

Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired..
"How much for a season pass?"

God bless the Marine Corps! Semper Fi!
One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

Statistics don't lie!

Average duration of a phone call:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 1:23:59

Girl to Girl 5:29:58

Husband to Wife 00:00:03

Mom to Married Daughter 10:50:59

Wife to Husband 14 missed calls
One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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Bsuds
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
-source unknown.
One day you will find someone who is obsessed with you.
It will most likely be a Dog, but it is what it is.
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PoplarSoul
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by PoplarSoul »

A woman and her husband interrupted their holiday to go to a dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocaine because I'm in a big hurry" the woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.
"You certainly are a courageous woman" he said.
"Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said "Show him your tooth dear."
"Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world." Howard Zinn
It's the simple things in life that brings joy.
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Catsumi
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

A guy walks into a bar in South Carolina and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "Its okay boys He's one of us !
Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice. There’s a certain point at which ignorance becomes malice, at which there is simply no way to become THAT ignorant except deliberately and maliciously.

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Catsumi
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

Dr. Geezer
An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement
and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic:

Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get
$1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3
drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young:

''Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr.Geezer:"Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer:

"Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the
patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.

Dr. Young:

"My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer:

"Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back"
(giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young:

"But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500
Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice. There’s a certain point at which ignorance becomes malice, at which there is simply no way to become THAT ignorant except deliberately and maliciously.

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Babba_not_Gump
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Babba_not_Gump »

:up: Loved it.
I'm posting this from Traditional lands of the British Empire & the current Lands of The Dominion of Canada.
I also give thanks for this ethos richness bestowed on us via British Colonialism.

#StandUpToJewishHate
seewood
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Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by seewood »

Picking lemons

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY
"Lemon Pickers Needed" read the ad in the newspaper. Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said..."I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Trump ."
She started work yesterday.
I am not wealthy but I am rich

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