Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[Bsuds]

My Wife poked me and said "You weren't listening to me were you"!

I thought, what a strange way to start a conversation...

[Bsuds]

I was at a bar last night and saw a large woman dancing on a table.

I said "Great legs"

She giggled and said "Really"

I said "Ya, most tables would have collapsed by now!"

[Bsuds]

A young girl is attending her first wedding.

She whispers to her Mom "Why is the Bride wearing White?"

Her Mother says because white is the colour of happiness and this is the happiest day of her life!

The little girl is silent for a few moments and then asks her Mother.

"Then why is the groom wearing Black?"

[Babba_not_Gump]

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[Bsuds]

I bought my Wife a mood ring for her birthday.

It turns black when she's really annoyed.

Not sure if it turns any other colours.

[Old Sailor]

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[Old Sailor]

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[Babba_not_Gump]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that

the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asked.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

And the sister smiles.

 

 

 

 

[Catsumi]

Snort, snort

Even I lol at this one

[Catsumi]

Quotes of Steven Wright….
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Babba_not_Gump]

And this is why I didn't read all those silly quotes,

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