Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[Bsuds]

[Glacier]

[Bsuds]

I met this guy today. He told me he was homeless and I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.

I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,

I had a roof over my head,

I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no... I was paroled.”

[Bsuds]

Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".

The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there"

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him"

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"?

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more *bleep* ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

[Catsumi]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"





She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

[Bsuds]

[Bsuds]

AT THE BAR:

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,


"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, in the tub, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... it doesn't matter to me."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in government too. Are you federal or provincial?"

[Bsuds]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your Mother."

[oneh2obabe]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[sobrohusfat]

[Bsuds]

[Bsuds]

A Canadian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, “You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?”

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course”.

The American blew a huge bubble. “We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada.”

The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted, “D'ya eat jam with your bread?”

Sighing, the Canadian replied, “Of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada.”

The Canadian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?”

The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?”

“We throw them away, of course!”

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.

”We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?

[Catsumi]

>> Four brothers left home for University, and they became successful
>> doctors
>> and lawyers.
>>
>> One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
>> discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their
>> elderly mother who moved to the Gold Coast .
>>
>> The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mum."
>>
>> The second said, "And I had a large theatre built in the house."
>>
>> The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
>> her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mum loved reading the Bible and you
>> know
>> she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
>> Minister who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire
>> Bible. It took
>> ten Ministers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
>> contribute
>> $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
>> Mum only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will
>> recite it."
>>
>> The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mum sent
>> out
>> her "Thank You" notes.
>>
>> She wrote: Michael , the house you built is so huge that I live in
>> only one
>> room , but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
>>
>> "Mervin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
>> delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.
>> Thanks."
>>
>> "Mark, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can
>> hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
>> hearing,
>> and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture
>> just the
>> same."
>>
>> "Dearest Mitchell, you were the only son to have the good sense to
>> give
>> a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you
>> so much."
>>
>> Love, Mum.

[Catsumi]

Father O’Malley and the Dead donkey

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Ottawa Parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called Parliament Hill. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Justin Trudeau, How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Trudeau, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long time. Then Father O'Malley replied:

"For certain we do, but we always contact the next-of-kin first"

[Bsuds]

Wisdom from an old Jewish man!



A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a *bleep* wall."