Wood pellet exports double
Nearly $500K for car crash
Mounties won't be charged
Minister defends right to bail
Vise grips as steering wheel
$36M for vaccine injury 
New US rules for airlines 
Historic Trump hearing 
Pig kidney transplant 
Big loss for Boeing 
Metro sales edged higher
Retail sales slip 
Warriors snakebitten in loss
Iginla off to Europe
Rockets ink prospect
Perry teams with Lu Kala
Megan denies harassment
Swift ‘one of the family’
Ferri's Stream O'Jokes
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ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
this is old but it cracks me up everytime i read it. 
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
― Albert Einstein
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ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
― Albert Einstein
-
ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
Four older ladies are sitting around
Playing bridge.
The first lady says,
"You know girls,
I have known you all
A long time
And there is something
I must get off my chest.
I am a Kleptomaniac.
But, don't worry,
I have never stolen
From you and I never will;
We have been friends for too long."
The second lady says,
"Well, since we are having
True confessions here,
I must get something
Off my chest, too.
I am a Nymphomaniac.
But don't worry,
I have not hit on your husbands.
They don't interest me
And never will;
We have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady,
"I, too, must confess something.
I am a Lesbian.
But do not worry,
I will not hit on you.
You are not my type.
We have been friends too long
For me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says,
"I have a confession to make, also.
I am an uncontrollable gossip,
And I have some phone calls
To make!"
Playing bridge.
The first lady says,
"You know girls,
I have known you all
A long time
And there is something
I must get off my chest.
I am a Kleptomaniac.
But, don't worry,
I have never stolen
From you and I never will;
We have been friends for too long."
The second lady says,
"Well, since we are having
True confessions here,
I must get something
Off my chest, too.
I am a Nymphomaniac.
But don't worry,
I have not hit on your husbands.
They don't interest me
And never will;
We have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady,
"I, too, must confess something.
I am a Lesbian.
But do not worry,
I will not hit on you.
You are not my type.
We have been friends too long
For me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says,
"I have a confession to make, also.
I am an uncontrollable gossip,
And I have some phone calls
To make!"
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
― Albert Einstein
-
ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
i will see if i can find it in a format that will play for you. lol
you don't know where i live. LOL-
Jo
- Slot 16
- Posts: 22663
- Joined: Nov 27th, 2004, 12:33 pm
-
ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
Words to live by...
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos:
you never know what's going to burn your butt.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in
the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed
bump.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one
with bite marks on the cap!
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos:
you never know what's going to burn your butt.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in
the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed
bump.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one
with bite marks on the cap!
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
― Albert Einstein
-
ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Chicken says, "Big deal I only have to cough and the entire planet freaks out!!!"
Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Chicken says, "Big deal I only have to cough and the entire planet freaks out!!!"
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
― Albert Einstein
-
ferri
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 58581
- Joined: May 11th, 2005, 3:21 pm
Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to
them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhoea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of
Chardonnay."
them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhoea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of
Chardonnay."
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
― Albert Einstein