Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[Bsuds]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how to do it best, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go someplace, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Bsuds]

A True Story .... Carnation Milk
When opening a can of carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this:
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…
So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”
She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...
Here is her entry

Carnation Milk
Is best of all, No *bleep* to pull ,
No hay to haul,
No buckets to wash,
No *bleep* to pitch ,
Just poke a hole
In the Son-********

[Bsuds]

intel.jpg

[Bsuds]

When you bury a body in the back yard make sure to cover it with endangered plants.

Then it will be illegal to dig it up…

Follow me for more gardening tips.

[Catsumi]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor.. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor..

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

[Babba_not_Gump]

One day these blonde jokes will be banned.

And is it true that Catsumi was once blonde?

[Bsuds]

One day these blonde jokes will be banned.

And is it true that Catsumi was once blonde?

Die Job?

[Bsuds]

dwarfs.jpg

I can relate with all of those!

[Catsumi]

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little buzturds!’
---------------- ---------------- ---------------- ------------

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.


'What was that for?' the man asked.


The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’


The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'


The wife apologized and went on with the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.


Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
---------------- ---------------- ----------------

[Catsumi]

The Irish



Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty
years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty.
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

[Catsumi]

> You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!
>
>
> A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

> A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

> "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom
always says."

> The teacher asked, "Really. And what four little animals would that
be?"

> The little girl said,

> "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a
jackass to pay for all of it."

[Old Sailor]

blind.jpg

[Catsumi]

Here’s another shaggy dog tale



Old Butch

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred
young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached
them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance
which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but,
this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he
became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell
Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention?

[dirtybiker]

4 Gals were out for a round of golf, While teeing of one slices a shot, yells "FORE" but,
to no avail, sees a man on the next fairway yell, clasp his hands to his crotch and drop.

She hops in the cart and races over to find the man coiled up in the fetal position, rolling
on the ground, hands clasped betwixt his legs, groaning in pain.

She; "I'm a massage therapist, I can help with the pain, move your hands."

With that she unbuckles his pants, reaches in and starts massaging, after a few moments.
She; "There, does that feel better?"

He; "Well, yes it does, but my thumb still hurts like heck."

[Catsumi]

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”



The room erupted in applause!