Smile....

[flamingfingers]

The Secret to a Happy Marriage
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

[flamingfingers]

The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."

[flamingfingers]

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. "Let's swap positions tonight."

"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."

[flamingfingers]

This could apply here in Kelowna:

Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey:
• A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.
• Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
• Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
• The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
• Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
• Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
• Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
• The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.
• Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
• Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily enforceable.
• Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
• Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.
• Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged.
• Learn to swerve abruptly. NJ is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
• It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The state is founded upon such traditions.
• Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
• All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.
JERSEY DRIVING - GOTTA LOVE THE CHALLENGE!

[mg099]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard Walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are You doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me,My cold-blooded friend ."So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He Then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY! "The Monkey looks down and says "F888888K, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

[flamingfingers]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff......

..And my favorite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[flamingfingers]

Every Sunday Father Donovan, a preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO, tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to shore."
After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said, "Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS."
Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."
"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read: "And Mary rode Joseph's *bleep* all the way to Bethlehem."

[flamingfingers]

An elderly man goes to confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking Viagra and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Heck! I'm telling everybody!"

[mg099]

Last one....

Dear Al Cohol,



First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few sweet chilli and sour cream old dutch chips)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.



3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.



4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.




Al Cohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S.



THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon





THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:



1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[flamingfingers]

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

[flamingfingers]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife.
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

[mg099]

SIPPING VODKA

This is too funny – I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don’t mind forwarding.

It’s funny (don’t break chain)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *bleep*.

6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the she*t out of him.

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his *bleep*.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[mg099]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife.
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

So funny... I had to send that to everyone at work!!!

[flamingfingers]

Finally! - A Blonde GUY Joke:
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
You rotten $#(*&%$($#!, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids.

[flamingfingers]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother overseas!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door"
She did. He then said, "Get on your knees" She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO.....MOM???"