The Ant and the Grasshopper

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OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house, and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION (with some minor revisions and shameless plagiarism): The ant works hard, building her house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the cold and hungry grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBC, CTV and Global provide graphic images of the wretched grasshopper next to scenes of the ant in her comfortable home with a table filled with food. The public is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that this poor grasshopper is condemned to suffer such misfortune in the midst of plenty?

A deep-fake Kermit the Frog makes a guest appearance on a hastily-planned CBC News Special along with the grasshopper and a somewhat tipsy Elizabeth May: everybody weeps as they sing 'It's Not Easy Being Green, but Photoshop Sure Helps.'

An alternative-media attempt to tell the ant’s side of the story prompts Antifa to stage violent demonstrations in front of the ant's house where the masked thugs intimidate journalists and neighbors, defecate on lawns and set cars on fire. CBC condemns the ant for promoting hate.

Speaking on CBC radio, Justin Trudeau also condemns the ant and blames racism, Andrew Scheer, Stephen Harper, Doug Ford, Jordan Peterson and climate change for the grasshopper's plight. He and the (faultlessly impartial) CBC host reveal that the ant has benefited from systemic “ant privilege” and has gotten ‘rich’ at the expense of others. They call for an immediate tax hike on ants to make them pay their 'fair share.'

Ultimately, the new federal Liberal/NDP/Green coalition government enacts the ‘Systemically Oppressed Green Bug Equity Act’ under which the ant is retroactively fined for failing to hire a proper number of gender-balanced green bugs to build her home and harvest her crops. The ant’s home is confiscated and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the ant's former home crumbles around them because the grasshopper can’t be bothered to maintain it.

Epilogue: Money from a GoFundMe campaign allows the ant to move to an offshore tax haven where she becomes a best-selling author and Fox News commentator. The grasshopper is found dead outside a safe injection site. The ant’s dilapidated house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once prosperous and peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in the next election.