So, I don't have kids. Don't want em either.

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ILLEffect
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So, I don't have kids. Don't want em either.

Post by ILLEffect »

So why does this make me a monster? I was in line at Superstore and there was a lady behind me with a new little baby. I did the "Awww he's so cute" thing (kid was cute!) and she asks if I have my own kids. I say "No" and she tells me "Oh one day you'll know the joy". Okay...so...here's the thing. I don't WANT kids. I never did. I did 2 surrogacies (one for my mother, one for a family friend) and yes, did have 2 of my own (though both were premature with severe birth/organ defects and neither survived). After talking to a counselor, I decided I really don't want kids. Both times I got pregnant were "Whoops". With my son last year, I got pregnant ON THE PILL. I got my tubes tied. And got pregnant once again (apparently the tubes can fuse together again, rarely - of course, it's my luck) and had my daughter half way through the pregnancy in November.

So why is it that when I tell people I don't want children, I'm told:
- I'm young and will change my mind (I'm 25)
- Maybe one day I'll know the joy of having children
- That it's awful not to want children.

Usually when I tell people I don't want children I get one of two (sometimes BOTH!) responses:
- a comment from above or some equal remark
- I'm looked at like I just grew 2349847356897469854 heads on the spot

I know most of you will understand because you all supported me through two children I lost - but I'm not exactly comfortable going into details (especially with new mothers!) about how and why my kids died and how this has just made my view on having children that much stronger. It's just not something you share with every Tom, Dick and Harry (or Sally, Jane and Lulu) in the grocery store.

ARGH.

Sorry, this just got to me today.
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grammafreddy
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Post by grammafreddy »

Awwwww.... that's just awful to not want children. You'd think with 2349847356897469854 heads you'd have brains enough to someday want the joy of having children. But you're young, and at 25 there's still time to change your mind ..........

Did I cover it all??????? :1419: :126:

Just smile sweetly at them, Hon, and tell them about the Christmas angel and where Santa told her to put the Christmas tree :D :D :D

Hugs to ya.

Cheers,
Gramma
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gardengirl
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Post by gardengirl »

Some people are thoughless *bleep*. That is a fact. What you do with your body is none of their friggin business and they should keep their opinions to themselves.

We have no kids and have no immediate plans to do so.
I have heard this type of comment for a long time. I have learned to ignore them for the most part.

Some days I want to come out with something really vile to shut them up.
There are all sorts of nasty things you could come up with.

"I had cancer, they removed my uterus."
"I am an incest survivor."
"Mind your own f-ing business."
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warden
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Post by warden »

"You'll change your mind" along with that condescending nod...that's my favourite.

I don't want kids either. I've learned to ignore the comments for the most part. Besides, once people get to know me, they quickly realize that the last thing this world needs is a mini-me running around.

The next time someone says something to you, I recommend you say this...

"My husband and I really like to have wild jungle sex in the living room...daily. A kid would totally cramp our style."

Bring a camera...you'll want reminders of the looks on their faces! :123:
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ILLEffect
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Post by ILLEffect »

"I am an incest survivor."


"My husband and I really like to have wild jungle sex in the living room...daily. A kid would totally cramp our style."


I love it. Absolutely love it. I would love nothing more than to one day actually say something like this (oh if only I had the balls to do so).

It just gets aggravating. People think that because I coo over their kid, I want one of my own. Just cause I don't WANT a kid doesn't mean I don't like kids. As a friend of mine put it - I like them when I can give them back.

I'm close enough with my 4 year old brother that I have fun with him for hours, we play, he's cute, he's fun, but at the end of the day, I tell ya, I am quite glad to give him back.

I know myself, I am WAY to selfish to have a kid. I like my life the way it is. I don't want to give up a lot of things that I have/do. Yes, I'm incredibly selfish. But at least I KNOW that.
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Jo
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Post by Jo »

I think when a stranger says, "one day you'll know the joy" in a situation like that, they always mean well. They're doing nothing more than making a polite response to your compliments about their kid.

Therefore, if it can be assumed that they do mean well, then why not just smile in acknowledgement and let it alone? Why respond in a manner that you know, from experience, is going to get a bad reaction? If you just smile then everybody is happy, no harm, no foul.

In the end you have two easy solutions, either don't feel the need to explain your position on children to strangers or stop commenting on the cuteness of their kids.
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gardengirl
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Post by gardengirl »

I have found that people make these remarks even when you have not commented on their children.

The "So when are you having kids?" thing comes right out of the blue sometimes. I got it myself at Christmas dinner.

I have been married for almost 10 years, if it were going to happen
....don't you think it would have?

Then, they won't let it go. They want to know why you are not having kids. "How can you not want to have the greatest joy in the world?"

I guess you have to be on the receiving end of it to understand.
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Post by Jo »

gardengirl wrote:I guess you have to be on the receiving end of it to understand.


I've been on the receiving end of many similar comments, and I'd say any adult has at one point or another. I remember my mother-in-law who smugly informed me, when I said we were only having one kid, that "oh you'll change your mind, you'll have another one." She was quite offensive in the way she said it. She explained that a second was 'insurance' in case something happened to the first, etc., etc.. I just smiled, but didn't feel the need to defend myself, because I knew it didn't matter one way or another what she thought. Why waste my time being offended and going off about it? The years passed and we did not have another kid, and that 'answer', although a long time coming, spoke louder than anything I could have said at the time.

We always have a choice in such situations. We can create a fuss or let it go. I don't feel any burning need to upset myself and upset others and make a big deal about something so minor, especially coming from strangers. It allows the stranger to have more control over me than I like, so I let it go.

In any situation like that, there is advantage in responding to rudeness with more rudeness. Just makes everybody mad.
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gardengirl
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Post by gardengirl »

As I said earlier, I ignore it most times, but I do understand when it starts to get really annoying. Some people are particularly offensive in their comments and it is difficult to always let it roll off your back.
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BriTer
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Post by BriTer »

gardengirl wrote:As I said earlier, I ignore it most times, but I do understand when it starts to get really annoying. Some people are particularly offensive in their comments and it is difficult to always let it roll off your back.


Everyone should be more like me. :140:
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Baba O'Riley
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Post by Baba O'Riley »

People do often make these remarks, but I too think that they 'mean well' by it... They probably don't know what else to say, so are trying to be polite and 'positive'! :)

I also don't have kids, but understand that it is quite natural for most people to have, at some point in their life, parental pangs...! Hence phrases such as 'maternal instinct', etc. This is further compounded by social conditioning that teaches us we 'should' have kids.

Similar scenarios involve questions such as "when are you going to pass your driving test / go travelling / get married / buy your own home?"! :lol:

These are usually just harmless chit-chat questions that should bounce off us; otherwise one would then have to start complaining that no one is interested in them, or their life, or their problems.... :wink:
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warden
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Post by warden »

Baba O'Riley wrote:Similar scenarios involve questions such as "when are you going to pass your driving test / go travelling / get married / buy your own home?"! :lol:


I'm going to split hairs here for a minute...

Questions like those you've posted above are different (to me anyway) than someone saying "You'll change your mind" about having children. The questions are honest inquiries to which one can assume the asker doesn't know the answer to. I would even include "When are you going to have children?" as one of these honest, harmless inquiries (unless it's been asked by the same person a dozen times before!).

When someone - be it friend, family member, perfect stranger - makes a statement like "You'll change your mind", once they receive your answer to the question, they are in fact stating that they know you better than you know yourself. I think that's presumptuous and rude, especially in the case of a stranger.
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Post by Jo »

warden wrote:
I think that's presumptuous and rude, especially in the case of a stranger.


Yes it is, but what is gained by retaliating in kind?
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Baba O'Riley
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Post by Baba O'Riley »

warden wrote: When someone... makes a statement like "You'll change your mind", once they receive your answer to the question, they are in fact stating that they know you better than you know yourself. I think that's presumptuous and rude, especially in the case of a stranger.

Yes, perhaps it is rude and presumptuous, even condescending.... :-k

But it should still be shrugged-off IMHO, especially in the case of a stranger! :)

The person is more than likely a little lost for words, so just say anything to remain 'light & positive' rather than get in a heavy chat about the meaning of life with someone they don't know! :) Who cares, you know your own mind & what you want out of life - sod 'em!
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Post by Jo »

Exactly, Baba. I know, for example, that I always felt awkward when I was a young mum and people praised our daughter for being pretty or smart or whatever. I never knew what to say, whether to say thank you (which seemed presumptious) or what. In awkward situations we're all capable of saying something 'wrong'.

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