So, I don't have kids. Don't want em either.

A potpourri of off-topics.
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Baba O'Riley
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Post by Baba O'Riley »

Jo wrote: In awkward situations we're all capable of saying something 'wrong'.

I was listening to a radio phone-in once....

One caller was distraught, as their friend had flung himself on a train track...

The Counsellor advised "Somewhere down the line you will manage to get over this..." #-o

Oh gawd, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... :200:

A trained Counsellor was trying to say the 'right thing' - whilst having their foot firmly planted in their mouth!
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Jo
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Post by Jo »

Oh my what a comment! I'm guessing that person cringed when they realized what they had said.

It is so incredibly easy to do, though! And the thing is, once you realize you've put your foot in it, it's often far worse to try and explain it away.
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westsidemom
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Post by westsidemom »

Heres a twist for ya:

I was 16 when got pregnant with my first child. My first child is now almost 15 and I am 32. When I am out and about shopping alone, and I come across someone who makes the assumption that I DONT have kids it really IRKS me. If I feel judged, I go out of my way to make sure that "whoever it is" knows that I have 5 kids (I actually do)and make sure that they know my oldest is 15. They think that because I am shopping alone and coo-ing over their kid or because I look so young or whatever. Sometimes I let it go, as to not embarass the person with the comment. But it really bugs me is that I let myself care what strangers think?...even if its all well meaning it sits with ya for a while.

All in all it really shouldn't matter what others think, we all know that. I try not to judge people and although it may be difficult, if we forgive them for their ignorance I think we will be more at peace.
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Jo
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Post by Jo »

westsidemom wrote:
I try not to judge people and although it may be difficult, if we forgive them for their ignorance I think we will be more at peace.


I think so as well, and I think if people can understand that most strangers really don't mean any harm by their assumptions, their comments, then it would be a lot easier to forgive and let it go.

Just for example, I hold the door open for the next person behind me when I pass through. Yet sometimes I might risk offending someone, ie maybe someone in a wheelchair who takes offense at the assumption that they need help. If that happens, I hope they give me the benefit of the doubt, and know that I meant well.
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Baba O'Riley
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Post by Baba O'Riley »

westsidemom wrote: When I am out and about shopping alone, and I come across someone who makes the assumption that I DONT have kids it really IRKS me. If I feel judged, I go out of my way to make sure that "whoever it is" knows that I have 5 kids

Oh, so you're the opposite - it irks you when someone assumes you have no children!! :lol:

Why though? :132: Why does it matter? :129: How are they 'judging' you? :137:
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warden
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Post by warden »

Jo wrote:
warden wrote:
I think that's presumptuous and rude, especially in the case of a stranger.


Yes it is, but what is gained by retaliating in kind?


To be fair, I've never used the jungle sex comment (although I've wanted to!). I have, however, politely told someone that I thought the comment was inappropriate.

People treat you how you allow them to. 'Shrugging it off' out of politeness only serves to perpetuate rude behaviour. If your child was being rude to you or someone else, would you 'shrug it off', or would you tell him/her that it was inappropriate? Adults can learn too and sometimes we all need reminders that not everyone thinks the same way we do.

:smt023
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Post by Jo »

warden wrote:People treat you how you allow them to. 'Shrugging it off' out of politeness only serves to perpetuate rude behaviour. If your child was being rude to you or someone else, would you 'shrug it off', or would you tell him/her that it was inappropriate? Adults can learn too and sometimes we all need reminders that not everyone thinks the same way we do.

:smt023


Yet people don't learn the appropriate way to behave by being told they are rude. They simply get their backs up, for it is not a stranger's job to regulate the behaviour of others in the same way one does with one's own children. That is highly presumptious, to feel that one has the right to tell others how to act.

People treat me with a great deal of respect, and I believe it is because I treat them with respect. When someone is rude to me, I would gain no advantage in lecturing them, for that would be just as rude, so I simply ignore the inappropriate behaviour. It's quite easy to handle inappropriate behaviour, for good manners do not require that you let people run roughshod over you. They simply require that you don't stoop to the same level.
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westsidemom
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Post by westsidemom »

Baba O'Riley wrote:
westsidemom wrote: When I am out and about shopping alone, and I come across someone who makes the assumption that I DONT have kids it really IRKS me. If I feel judged, I go out of my way to make sure that "whoever it is" knows that I have 5 kids

Oh, so you're the opposite - it irks you when someone assumes you have no children!! :lol:

Why though? :132: Why does it matter? :129: How are they 'judging' you? :137:



It bugs me because they think I am some young twitty that doesnt know anything about kids or life. As a person who has been raising a family for 16 years and working my rear end off to do so, I take offense to the assumptions. But in the end I get judged either way:

no kids=no experience or life
5 kids=holy, ever hear of birth control? (then I have to explain the blended family thing)

It all comes down to we don't want to be judged, and the best cure is to be non-judgemental.
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Baba O'Riley
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Post by Baba O'Riley »

Many people use their own goals or achievements as a 'yardstick' for others - that's why they assume certain things.

We all have very different life experiences; I certainly don't feel a 'twitty' or any less experienced in life because I do not have children - on the contrary!
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warden
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Post by warden »

Jo wrote:Yet people don't learn the appropriate way to behave by being told they are rude. They simply get their backs up, for it is not a stranger's job to regulate the behaviour of others in the same way one does with one's own children. That is highly presumptious, to feel that one has the right to tell others how to act.

People treat me with a great deal of respect, and I believe it is because I treat them with respect. When someone is rude to me, I would gain no advantage in lecturing them, for that would be just as rude, so I simply ignore the inappropriate behaviour. It's quite easy to handle inappropriate behaviour, for good manners do not require that you let people run roughshod over you. They simply require that you don't stoop to the same level.


I never said I lectured, I said I politely stated that the comment was inappropriate. Lecturing would indeed be rude.

You can be respectful and still point out when someone has offended you. Often times a remark is made without even considering how it would be received by the other person. Politely pointing out that the remarker has crossed a line is not stooping to their level, it is showing them where that line is.

I've said stupid things before without realizing how they were being interpreted until someone enlightened me (politely). I certainly didn't take offense to being told, in fact I appreciated that someone respected me enough to assist me in refraining from making myself look like an *bleep* in the future!
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hereiamagain
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Post by hereiamagain »

my mom told me whenever someone was rude, whether knowingly or unknowingly, I should respond...

"what an odd thing (or interesting thing) to say."

by saying this it points out that the other person's comment was either rude or uncalled for, and makes them think. (hopefully).








problem is I'm usually too pi$$ed off at whatever was said to remember it.
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Post by Jo »

hereiamagain wrote:my mom told me whenever someone was rude, whether knowingly or unknowingly, I should respond...

"what an odd thing (or interesting thing) to say."


That's exactly right! One can look mildly incredulous, too. :lol: One can also just say, "Oh! My!" or "Good heavens!" which tends to get people's attention pretty fast, it gives them time to realize their mistake and to exit from that train of thought while saving face, which is better all around.
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westsidemom
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Post by westsidemom »

Baba O'Riley wrote:Many people use their own goals or achievements as a 'yardstick' for others - that's why they assume certain things.

We all have very different life experiences; I certainly don't feel a 'twitty' or any less experienced in life because I do not have children - on the contrary!


I agree Baba, if we all had the same goals and asperations, what would this world be like?

My sister is 44 and has never wanted kids, she has horses and cows and her doggies to keep her busy...she enjoys my kids like there is no tomorrow, but some people see her and say "oh gee-whiz, you are great with kids, you should have some". Not gonna happen.

And no Baba, you are no twitty and neither is anyone else unless they have self proclaimed the title...(I can be a twitty sometimes, maybe why I used that word..:P)
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Post by Triple 6 »

I really don't get the big deal. The day after I was married, Family was asking when I was gonna start a family.

My family and friends have come to terms that I am not having kids, They are more than fine with that.

As for people that ask, or assume, possibly a conversation starter. It used to bother me when others asked. I always just answred with "you never know"
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Fancy
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Post by Fancy »

What about answering with "wish I could", "maybe in another life", "I'd rather toys than boys" "I love kids as long as they're someone else's" "I'm too young to get old so fast" "my husband is sterile" "We keep trying" (don't have to explain why you don't get pregnant and technically it's true - just have a great big grin on your face)
Truths can be backed up by facts - do you have any?
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