Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

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unclemarty
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Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking about answered prayer one day.
-The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
-The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
-The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.


A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps. The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps. The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...


A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.


An elderly Rabbi took his young grandson to the beach. He sat in a beach chair beneath an umbrella, quietly reading scripture while his grandson, wearing a sunhat, played with a small pale and shovel at the water's edge nearby. All about were other beachgoers, frolicking in the water, sunbathing, or otherwise enjoying the day. Completely without warning, a tsunami crashed ashore, destroying everything in its path! As the waters retreated to the ocean, all about was chaos and destruction and the fading sounds of the pitiful souls that had been swept out to sea. Nothing remained ... nothing, that is, except for the elderly Rabbi, still sitting on his beach chair beneath his umbrella, with his scriptures on his lap, somehow miraculously unscathed.
He looked about, then he looked to where his young grandson had been only moments before. He looked to the heavens, tears streaming from his eyes, and called out to G-d: "Why lord, why? Why did you take my beautiful grandson who had his whole life before him, yet leave me, a pitful old man at the end of his life? Oh lord, would that you had taken me instead of my grandson!" Moments later, seemingly in response to his petition to the heavens, a second Tsunami crashed ashore. For a brief few minutes, once again all was chaos as the wave pummeled the shoreline. Then, as its waters retreated back to the ocean, once again the elderly Rabbi found himself sitting as before, but this time at his feet was his grandson, still with a small pale and shovel, playing as though nothing had happened. The elderly Rabbi looked up to the heavens and exclaimed,
"He had a hat!"
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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mechanic_virus
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by mechanic_virus »

Thank you for your delightful demonstration of anti-semitism, marty. If there is any group of people who have yet to be singled out, stereotyped, and targeted for humiliation or worse, it must certainly be the Jewish people.
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unclemarty
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

You're free to see it as you will, and before pressing the submit button i did hesitate...predicting this very thing.
As these are jokes told by jews, to jews...that made me laugh, i wanted to pass them along, you know, to those who still know how to lighten up. I refuse to be constrained just because there is plenty of hatered out there.

"The laughless people are the most dangerous" - Robert Raines.

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery. After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!"
The others sighed sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!"
The others nodded. A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!"
The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said,
"Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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mechanic_virus
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by mechanic_virus »

I'm disappointed that you failed to see the humour in my post. You know, I heard somewhere that the laughless people are the most dangerous.
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unclemarty
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

well i did catch the sarcasm.

Speaking of sarcasm, jews are well known for their expert use of sarcasm...come to think of it Jesus was a jew, maybe we got it all wrong all these years...maybe he was actually saying:

"Yeah...right...the meek shall inherit the earth"
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by mechanic_virus »

:digging: :smt039
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unclemarty
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

You know M.V. you may be right, and I may actually come to regret starting this...but until things deteriorate and come to that:

The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked,
"I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?!"
God replied, "Who can he tell?"
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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unclemarty
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

This one's for you M.V. and for anyone else who may have taken offense to the above humour.

Benji Levene of Gesher, who lives in Jerusalem tells of how, when he was a child, his father, Rabbi Chaim Jacob Levene, tried out for a position as rabbi in Jersey City, in a synagogue where Rabbi C. Y. Bloch, of blessed memory, had served for many years. Although there were many other candidates for the position, Benji's father was chosen. When the chairman of the search commitee called to tell him the news, Benji's father thanked him, but said that he would need a week before he could give his answer. The chairman was puzzled but granted the request, and at the end of the week, his father accepted the position. It was only years later that he learned the reason for his father's delay.

"It was my father's custom," Benji said, "after we had settled into the community in Jersey City, to visit the widow of Rabbi Bloch every Friday morning, and sometimes he would take me along. We would go up several flights of stairs to her modest apartment, spend a quiet hour with her, and my father would inform her of what was going on in the community. Once, my father had an errand to do, so he excused himself and left me with the widow. She gave me cookies and a soda, and then she said, 'I am going to tell you a story, which i don't want you ever to forget.

"'When your father was asked to accept the position of rabbi here, he said that he needed a few days before he could give the committee an answer. Do you know why he did that? It was because he first wanted to come to see me. When he came in, he said, "I know that for many years you were the first lady of this congregation, and i understand that it will be difficult for you, after all these years, to see someone else take your husband's place. The board has offered to make me the next Rabbi, but i have not given them an answer yet. I wanted to see you first, in order to ask your permission. If you want me to take the position, I will, but if in any way you feel that you don't want me to be there, i will leave right away."'

"The widow told me that at that moment she started to cry, and she said to my father, 'Now that my husband is gone, who is there who cares about me or thinks that what i feel is important? I am touched that you came here today to ask my permission.' And then she paused, 'I told him, not only do i want you to stay and be the rabbi, but now i feel as if my own son were taking the possition.'

"Then, wiping her eyes behind her round granny glasses, she continued, 'Only then did your father go back and accept the position. And for the first year, he did not sit in the rabbi's seat on the pulpit in the synagogue, in deference to my husband's memory. And he never told anyone what i have just told you.'"

Benji Levene said that this story made more of an impression on him, and taught him more about what real piety is, than reading ten books of ethical instruction. "I learned," he said "that sensitivity to the feelings of another human being is more important than concern for one's own status, position or power. My father's behavior in that incident remains for me the archetype of how a rabbi shoud act, of how a Jew should act, in fact, how all human being should treat one another."

- Rabbi Benjamin Levene - retold by Rabbi Jack Riemer.
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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mechanic_virus
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by mechanic_virus »

unclemarty wrote:You know M.V. you may be right, and I may actually come to regret starting this...

You mean you may be right:
unclemarty wrote:You're free to see it as you will, and before pressing the submit button i did hesitate...predicting this very thing.

...I said nothing about regret.

That being said, you chose to post this thread under Religion & Philosophy instead of the Laugh In, so I'm assuming you are posting with the intention of creating discussion and dialogue. I'd be happy to oblige.

It was difficult not to notice that though the title of your thread is Priests, Ministers & Rabbis, the Jewish ended up being at the butt of each of the jokes, most of which playing up the "cheap Jew" stereotype (until after I made the anti-semitism remark of course, at which point you began posting more toned-down, general material). You justify this by claiming that the jokes are told by Jews, to Jews. I wouldn't doubt that for a moment. So now I ask you, do you feel the need for a line to be drawn somewhere when it comes to jokes targeting a specific group to which you do not belong? If so, where? Does the company the joke is told in affect your decision in any way? Are there any other factors involved? Are there any groups you would consider "off limits"?

This topic came up in discussion earlier today, and I'm curious to find where you stand on the issue.
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by mechanic_virus »

Hmmm - you posted again before I'd finished typing my own post, and yours took things in a much different direction than mine. I was not personally offended by your jokes. They'd just gotten me thinking about personal and societal guidelines when it comes to this sort of thing. My style of posting may be prone to misinterpretation.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

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unclemarty
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

mechanic_virus wrote:...personal and societal guidelines when it comes to this sort of thing.


You may be right, It may have been foolish of me to post what could lead to the inevitable reinforcing of some peoples' ignorant stereotypes.

still,..."he had a hat"... :dyinglaughing:
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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unclemarty
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by unclemarty »

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi,
"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork...
but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied,
"I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked,
"I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
"Jerusalem is a port city on the shore of eternity." - Yehuda Amichai
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Re: Priests, Ministers & Rabbis

Post by Homeownertoo »

unclemarty wrote:You know M.V. you may be right, and I may actually come to regret starting this...but until things deteriorate and come to that:

The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked,
"I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?!"
God replied, "Who can he tell?"

Hey, that was funny. And it illustrates the distinction between a joke about Jews that is funny and one that trades on a vicious stereotype that has been used to justify hatred and more for centuries (ie. the one about money/greed). There really is a line beyond which the attempt at humour takes on a sour taste. And speaking of bad taste, did you ever read The Book of Jewish cooking by A. Hitler. I don't think they're splitting their sides over that one at the local synogogue.
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