Parenting advice

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TylerM4
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Parenting advice

Post by TylerM4 »

Hi all,

So who does a person go to for professional parenting advice?

My kids are great and still fairly young. No major concerns with them at the moment. Circumstances in our household are changing (it's a good thing). But I'm worried about how those changes may impact my kids at a time when they're very impressionable. Something I'm confident that can be managed with good parenting and example setting.

Normally I'd go to my own family and ask, but it's a situation they've never been in themselves.
southy
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by southy »

TylerM4 wrote:Hi all,

So who does a person go to for professional parenting advice?

My kids are great and still fairly young. No major concerns with them at the moment. Circumstances in our household are changing (it's a good thing). But I'm worried about how those changes may impact my kids at a time when they're very impressionable. Something I'm confident that can be managed with good parenting and example setting.

Normally I'd go to my own family and ask, but it's a situation they've never been in themselves.


Are your children school age? You may want to discuss what is going on with the principal who can then put you in touch with the district psychologist. What about your family doctor? They should be able to refer you to a good counsellor. There are various programs through the provincial government as well. What part of the valley do you live in? South Okanagan has a number of supports available. Not sure about Central and North area but a couple phone calls to various agencies should get you the help you are looking for. If you can't find anything private mail me and I can offer some suggestions. All the best from someone who has been there.
Iamme
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by Iamme »

TylerM4 wrote:Hi all,

So who does a person go to for professional parenting advice?

My kids are great and still fairly young. No major concerns with them at the moment. Circumstances in our household are changing (it's a good thing). But I'm worried about how those changes may impact my kids at a time when they're very impressionable. Something I'm confident that can be managed with good parenting and example setting.

Normally I'd go to my own family and ask, but it's a situation they've never been in themselves.


It doesn’t sound urgent from what you’ve written. Talk to your GP if you have concerns and they have the resources for a referral if necessary. In the meantime, contact your local Family Resource Centre. They are a really great resource. Ps I do Intake for MH&SU and this is where I would refer you based on your description. They do counseling for scenarios like yours. Good luck
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Piecemaker
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by Piecemaker »

TylerM4 wrote:... Something I'm confident that can be managed with good parenting and example setting.

Normally I'd go to my own family and ask, but it's a situation they've never been in themselves.


I think you have answered your own question.
The "good parents" may seek professional help if situation changes in a negative way. Lots of parenting information on intranet, as I am sure you know. Good idea to let anyone involved with your children (like teachers) know about significant changes in your children's circumstances.
It's possible to do all the right things and still get a bad result.
Jonrox
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by Jonrox »

When looking for advice I've found it often helpful to seek advice from religious/spiritual people in my life. I'm not at all religious but have at times sought advice from those who are. For me it's also been people who have found deeper connections to the world that don't involve formal religious experience. Even though these folks haven't necessarily gone through exactly what I might be experiencing, they often have good insights and advice that apply to a myriad of situations.

I think it just comes down to them having learned how to be good listeners who are empathetic and caring.
stuphoto
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by stuphoto »

I like the idea of Family Councillors.
The post above may have a good point with Religious or Spiritual counseling.
I would do some research and ensure they have a healthy family life themselves.
Sorry I can't refer any in the OK.

I think you are doing the right thing looking for help before a problem arises.
With parents like you, your children have a better chance than most.
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zookeeper
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by zookeeper »

I agree with Piecemaker, you have already answered your own question. Nobody has a manual, nobody knows your kids better than you do.



TylerM4 wrote:Hi all,

So who does a person go to for professional parenting advice? Not sure how old your kids are, but quite likely you are already the professional you seek

My kids are great and still fairly young. Enjoy! No major concerns with them at the moment. Stay positive and don't anticipate any Circumstances in our household are changing (it's a good thing) keep it a good thing, they'll feel the vibe. But I'm worried don't worry, be happy :D about how those changes may impact my kids at a time when they're very impressionable seems you've done fine so far. Something I'm confident that can be managed with good parenting and example setting there's the answer right there, can't read that in a book or be counselled for that.

Normally I'd go to my own family and ask, but it's a situation they've never been in themselves Do what you normally would do, a good family will support you and your children even without experiencing a like situation.


I wish you and your family the best.
TylerM4
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by TylerM4 »

Thank you all.

Family Counseling sounds like the route for me.

I do think my post gave the wrong impression. It's myself and my wife that need the coaching - the children have not and will not experience anything negative/traumatic.

Quite the opposite - I'm worried about too much of a good thing and how to keep them from becoming spoiled/lazy as a result.
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mexi cali
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by mexi cali »

It sounded like you're headed for divorce. At least that's how I read it. Either way, you are being sensitive to your children's needs which already places you far above many if not most parents. Kids tend to be an afterthought in mommy/daddy situations.

For me, in my first marriage, we went to counseling and what it did for me was to validate my reasons for leaving. We fortunately had no kids but it still left its mark.

You need to be up for being very introspective and honest and you both have to commit to it in order for it to have a chance.

Good luck and thanks for acknowledging your kids.
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition
stuphoto
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by stuphoto »

I don't take it as divorce, more as parents trying to improve their family relationship.
Again, I think it's the right thing.

Even broken families can maintain a healthy relationship between both parents and their children.
The 2 main things is never say anything negative about the other in front of your children.
Never take away visitation rights.
If you are a good actor always act happy with the situation when you are all together.

It is perfectly normal to be upset with the situation, just never right to involve your children as weapons or pawns.
LANDM
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by LANDM »

TylerM4 wrote:Thank you all.

Family Counseling sounds like the route for me.

I do think my post gave the wrong impression. It's myself and my wife that need the coaching - the children have not and will not experience anything negative/traumatic.

Quite the opposite - I'm worried about too much of a good thing and how to keep them from becoming spoiled/lazy as a result.

I bet you know the answers already. Don’t spoil the kids, set rules, set boundaries. When we were raising our kids, it was fascinating to see what other parents would allow and they would ask us "how do you control" certain things. Simple...say no.

If you allow them to become spoiled and lazy, they will. If you don’t, they won’t. If you and your wife can’t agree on that, then definitely get some help and counselling.
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TylerM4
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by TylerM4 »

LANDM wrote:
If you allow them to become spoiled and lazy, they will. If you don’t, they won’t. If you and your wife can’t agree on that, then definitely get some help and counselling.



Fully agree. I view it as a balance. We want them to have nice things and opportunities, but also want them to turn out to be hard workers who will support their own families one day. I'm hoping we can do a little of both - let them have nice things/opportunities but also instill a strong work ethic and personal drive/motivation.

Here's a question for you: If your children (under 10yo) were to become millionaires the day they turn 18 what would you do to prepare them?
Gilchy
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by Gilchy »

TylerM4 wrote:
Fully agree. I view it as a balance. We want them to have nice things and opportunities, but also want them to turn out to be hard workers who will support their own families one day. I'm hoping we can do a little of both - let them have nice things/opportunities but also instill a strong work ethic and personal drive/motivation.

Here's a question for you: If your children (under 10yo) were to become millionaires the day they turn 18 what would you do to prepare them?


Sounds like you've come into some money as a family. Others have said it, but biggest thing is lead by example. If your kids see you spending frivolously, acting superior or snobby or taking things for granted, they will internalize that. Live with gratitude, speak openly and clearly about how you're luck to have what you have, and that not everyone has the same advantages.

Also, make sure they get jobs as teenagers. Even if the household doesn't "need" the money, working for their own spending cash will instill a work ethic early on.

Lastly, speak with an advisory team, including legal and accounting perspectives, about building a formal structure for the wealth. Handing an 18 year old millions will inevitably lead to issues, whether they be lifestyle, substance, or simply poor spending decisions; the teenage brain isn't equipped to handle it responsibly. Working with an advisory team, you could consider something along the lines of a discretionary family trust, where distributions to children, or any family members, is outlined in the terms of the trust, but some control is retained.
TylerM4
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by TylerM4 »

Gilchy wrote:
Sounds like you've come into some money as a family. Others have said it, but biggest thing is lead by example. If your kids see you spending frivolously, acting superior or snobby or taking things for granted, they will internalize that. Live with gratitude, speak openly and clearly about how you're luck to have what you have, and that not everyone has the same advantages.

Also, make sure they get jobs as teenagers. Even if the household doesn't "need" the money, working for their own spending cash will instill a work ethic early on.

Lastly, speak with an advisory team, including legal and accounting perspectives, about building a formal structure for the wealth. Handing an 18 year old millions will inevitably lead to issues, whether they be lifestyle, substance, or simply poor spending decisions; the teenage brain isn't equipped to handle it responsibly. Working with an advisory team, you could consider something along the lines of a discretionary family trust, where distributions to children, or any family members, is outlined in the terms of the trust, but some control is retained.



Thank-you. Yes, it turns out that their grandfather was fairly wealthy. One of those guys you'd never know it. Heck, his own children didn't know. Also turns out that Grandpa was very fond of his grandchildren while recognizing that his own children are established and not struggling. It's not crazy money, but enough to really set them up early in life if they're wise with it. They could start a business, or buy an average Okanagan home and a new vehicle or 2 debt-free. Maybe do both depending on the business cost. Unfortunately, Grandpa went way too early and I don't think his plan was for them to receive this while they're so young.

We don't have a lot of legal control. They were named in the will and will likely be wealthier than their parents when they turn 18. Part of why I'm focusing so much on parenting and example setting. We won't have any control over their wealth or what they spend it on when they receive it.

Another question for you guys: Would you tell them prior to them turning 18? Or keep them under impression that they're going to need to work very hard to get themselves established just like everyone else in the family.

These are the kind of things we're struggling with and questioning ourselves on. Hence why I'm looking for professional advice.

On the flip side - the kids being financially secured has changed things financially for us. That 20 year savings plan we embarked on for their education isn't really needed anymore. We're also not as concerned with maintaining some wealth during retirement to pass on to them (tho maybe we'll take a page from Grandpa's book and focus on their children). That change has us rethinking things - maybe a $500 Lego death star set under the Christmas tree isn't just a pipe dream anymore. But even if we can now afford that - is it wise to do it considering our other concerns?
stuphoto
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Re: Parenting advice

Post by stuphoto »

TylerM4 wrote: We want them to have nice things and opportunities, but also want them to turn out to be hard workers who will support their own families one day. I'm hoping we can do a little of both - let them have nice things/opportunities but also instill a strong work ethic and personal drive/motivation.

After working my butt off for most of my life and helping make several people very rich I discovered that Hard Work isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Smart Workers are different. They can work hard when needed yet know when to say No I Won't Do That to their employers.
They may get fired more than most people in the beginning however this will lead to a better job in the future.
Plus their bodies won't be worn out by the time they are 40.

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