Children of Divorced Parents.

[beancounter]

My daughter split from her hubby a few years back. He is an awesome Dad; just not what she needed for a husband. Her girls have adapted well with split custody; which was all talked out and arranged without lawyers. Great effort was made by both parents and both sets of grand parents to keep things as normal and amiable as possible. Sure there were some rough moments, but the girls needs were always put first and both parties have matured so now everyone gets along just fine. Both my daughter and her ex now have new partners, and again, effort is put in on both sides to keep things friendly. Some of my grand-daughters friends were actually surprised when they learn that her parents no longer live together, as they are always both at every soccer game etc. I have to admit I was worried at first, but I am proud of my daughter for standing up for herself, but for also never putting her own needs before her two daughters' needs. They are two great kids, who are lucky to have such caring parents.

[Zoso]

Children need to be kids , they end up getting leaned on and poisoned into picking sides . They need structure and shelter , including shelter from adult problems . Worst thing you can do is act like a victim or be a victim in front of them . They need to lay thier heads down at night knowing mom or dad has it all under control. Kids gravitate towards security rather than the pathetic .

[Muzza]

My ex-wife had an online affair and kidnapped my son and took off to Quebec and moved herself and my 10 year old son in with a guy she had never met in person. Even though I managed to get full custody of my son, and could have moved him back to BC, there was no way I was going to take him away from his mother. Therefore I packed up and moved to Quebec for 3 years until my son was old enough to make up his own mind where he wanted to live. When he was 13 I was able to go to court and through his own lawyer he had his voice heard and we were able to move back to BC

I am still good friends with my ex. It was difficult as according to her, everything was my fault. For 6 months, every time my ex and I spoke on the phone, all I got was abuse. I never once lost my temper. Finally, the anger stopped. Eventually my ex told me that I treated her far better than she deserved.

When my son and I were driving across Canada back to BC, out of the blue he said to me "Dad, I so glad you and mom are friends".

My point is, when divorce occurs, it is not about the parents, it is about the kids. I put my entire life on hold for the 3 years - never dated, and made sure my son knew that he was my only priority. The kids must come first. Because I didn't let hurt and anger control me, my ex and I are very supportive of each other (I never stopped being supportive of her), my son is very well adjusted and happy. I have offered repeatedly to move back to Quebec if he wants to be near his mom. Every time he says no, he wants to stay here.

[RustyCrayon]

My ex-wife had an online affair and kidnapped my son and took off to Quebec and moved herself and my 10 year old son in with a guy she had never met in person. Even though I managed to get full custody of my son, and could have moved him back to BC, there was no way I was going to take him away from his mother. Therefore I packed up and moved to Quebec for 3 years until my son was old enough to make up his own mind where he wanted to live. When he was 13 I was able to go to court and through his own lawyer he had his voice heard and we were able to move back to BC

I am still good friends with my ex. It was difficult as according to her, everything was my fault. For 6 months, every time my ex and I spoke on the phone, all I got was abuse. I never once lost my temper. Finally, the anger stopped. Eventually my ex told me that I treated her far better than she deserved.

When my son and I were driving across Canada back to BC, out of the blue he said to me "Dad, I so glad you and mom are friends".

My point is, when divorce occurs, it is not about the parents, it is about the kids. I put my entire life on hold for the 3 years - never dated, and made sure my son knew that he was my only priority. The kids must come first. Because I didn't let hurt and anger control me, my ex and I are very supportive of each other (I never stopped being supportive of her), my son is very well adjusted and happy. I have offered repeatedly to move back to Quebec if he wants to be near his mom. Every time he says no, he wants to stay here.

Your son is lucky to have such an amazing father! If more people were like you, the world would be a much better place.

[nepal]

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Best Christmas wishes for children of split families:

# Who have to decide how to share Christmas between separated parents.
# Who have only one parent they respect enough to spend Christmas with.
# Who lose touch with siblings, as they now have less contact and won't hear from them at Christmas.
# Who choose to spend Christmas away from family, rather than make a choice.
# Who won't want to deal with the complexity of step-families that they had no choice.
# Who won't see or hear from a deadbeat parent who abandoned their family for greener pastures.
# Who have to do risky and costly travel between parents.
# Who are alienated by relatives and former family friends who no longer want to be associated due to the split.
# Who’s narcissistic parent dotes on stepchildren to impress new spouse, while neglecting their own now abandoned and confused children.
# Who as a child were physically abused by narcissistic parent, by hitting with wooden spoon, spanking, slapping, etc.
# Who are in some way abused by step-families
# Who have to deal with a greedy step-parent, who cleans-out the new spouse's finances.
# Who have less or no family around, to share their accomplishments and important days, such as birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc.
# Who have only one gender home to help mentor them in shaping their personality.
# Who have bad marks in school, because they are consumed by family problems.
# Who have bad marks at school, because the only struggling parent has no time to help with homework.
# Who are alienated by former school friends.
# Who are bullied at school, because they've lost friends and family support.
# Who are accused of things they didn't do, because they are a convenient target.
# Who don't have proper diet or hygiene, because one struggling parent can't see-to nor afford the basics, such as dental.
# Who are struggling financially, as parents split assets and made lawyers wealthy instead.
# Who watched lawyers draw-out the battle, to maximize billable hours, rather than suggest reconciliation.
# Who lose their familiar family home and now live in less home, or on the street.
# Who have been robbed of a decent childhood, due to a narcissistic parent(s)
# Who may never see nor hear from family members for the rest of their life.
# Who have their own children, who may never meet their divorced grandparent(s).
# Who have a parent villainizing their x-spouse, by inventing hurtful stories about them, making themselves look innocent.
# Who have an adulterous parent, who thinks they've kept it secret, and villainize the other parent.
# Whose adulterous parent starts a new life elsewhere, claiming to be the innocent victim, but is actually the narcissistic perpetrator, who slanders the real victim parent.
# Who, usually the youngest, question who their genetic father is.
# Who have a substance abuse parent, sometimes to relieve family induced stress, driving the family further into destruction.
# Who has a parent who accuses their spouse of substance abuse, yet themself use substances or act to induce the abuse.
# Who have parents who lived beyond their financial means and then argued their family into destruction.
# Who has a parent who may not support or understand their spouse during times of spouse's non-family related stress.
# Who remember family details at a very young age, but finally join the destructive dots, when they are older and wiser.
# Who fear creating their own relationships, for fear of the example their parents set.
# Who suffer the side effects of their parents selfish actions, for a lifetime.
# Who's parents inflict upon their children, what they themselves may never have experienced nor comprehend.
# Who have a parent who is too narcissistic to honestly own-up and truly apologize to their children for the lifetime of pain, suffering and lost opportunities they’ve inflicted upon them.
# Who’s life-dreams are scuttled, because narcissistic parents prioritized themselves.
# Who’s self-consumed parent(s) narcissistically claim that ‘divorce is best for the kids’.
# Who at an old age, have painful broken-family memories, they wish they could somehow delete.
# Who use substance abuse to ease the pain.
# Who has a parent that dies inside, because the narcissistic x-spouse gutted them.
# Who may pre-decease their parent(s), as the ultimate result of being a victim of divorce.

# Who will put on a Happy Face, to try to make a parent happy.

# Sometimes one or both parents can get a mature, compassionate, grip on life, and avoid all the above. Life is very short, there are no dress-rehearsals, no time-outs, just make it right asap. When you have children, life is not about you anymore. Family and life are like an intricate vase, in that once it is broken, it can never be made un-broken again.

# Some children of split families will simply be happy and well adjusted.

## Some children of divorced parents go on to have a very strong marriage, to not repeat the destruction of their narcissistic parent(s)

## Children of strong, well functioning, original family units, appreciate how incredibly fortunate you are. Your compassion for those less fortunate, will likely be appreciated.

[Rosemary1]

On the last two points -yes ideally a strong functioning well adjusted 2 parent family is best for all children.

And while it may be harder for some single or divorced parents to create that same home environment it doesn't mean that every child with single or divorced parents is in such a dark place as the previous points suggest. A lot depends on the parent(s) and their willingness and ability to be vested in their children and put their children's interests first.

[nepal]

Hopefully some divorced parents can be civilized with each other during Christmas, for the sake of their children. The best ever Christmas gift for many Children of Divorced Parents, would be for a whole-family dinner, or get-together, to demonstrate that family members don't need to be enemies, and actually be nice to each other. Such couples were nice to each other when they first met, but then something went off the rails, so they do have it in them to be nice to each other, if only temporarily, for the kids.

[nepal]

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https://saradavison.com/im-seeing-kids-christmas-im-divorced-really-hurts/
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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7FUVdTEQxu8
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[Poindexter]

Nepal makes a good point that's reinforced by the study the OP posted. They found that conflict between divorced parents has a more negative impact on a child's ability to adjust to thier parents splitting up, than the divorce itself.

Interparental conflict. Although clinicians have postulated an association between parental conflict and maladjustment in children for many years (Baruch & Wilcox, 1944; Minuchin; 1974), empirical attention to the effects of parental discord on children has increased only in the last two decade. From these recent controlled studies and from earlier reports of "broken" families, interparental conflict has been consistently identified as a major source of behavior problems in children across a wide array of family structures and settings (for reviews see Davies & Cummings, 1994; Grych & Fincham, 1990), including divorced and separated families (Hetherington et al., 1978). There is some evidence to suggest that parental conflict is the most salient influence on children's adjustment to divorce. In a recent meta-analysis, Amato and Keith (1991) compared the relative efficacy of three variables (parental absence, economic disadvantage, and parental conflict) to mediate the effects of divorce on children's adjustment. Although moderate effect sizes were found for both parental absence and economic disadvantage, parental conflict accounted for more of the negative consequences of divorce.

[foodsmith]

I have to opint out that the study cited is horribly outdated.

We have achieved massive advances in both neurodevelopmental affect/effect and attachment injury within family systems (due to family of origin breakdown) since this was published... Massive.

[Piecemaker]

I have to opint out that the study cited is horribly outdated.

We have achieved massive advances in both neurodevelopmental affect/effect and attachment injury within family systems (due to family of origin breakdown) since this was published... Massive.

Just because a study is old, doesn't mean it isn't valid. The conflict between the two people a child loves most is very difficult and traumatic to them.
Also harmful is the absence of one parent from their lives (and sometimes grandparents and extended family members).
Many use their children as bargaining chips and mete out punishment to former spouse by refusing access to him/her and their parents, etc. The loss to a child can be as significant as the death of a parent or grand parent.
(There are some situations in which one sparent is not a safe person to be around a child. For example, they have sexually abused a child. However in cases where the parents are both equally loving and a bit flawed like typical humans, they should both continue to have a parental role and a united front when it comes to their child/ren.)

[nepal]

“The loss to a child can be as significant as the death of a parent or grand parent“

Children’s loss due to divorce is far worse than a death of a family member. With a death there is closure, but with divorce the ramifications of family destruction are ongoing and compoud as times goes on. Divorce frequently makes a bad situation far worse as time progresses, for the lifetime of all those affected. Except for extreme situations, narcissistic parents just need to get a grip on life, while they have a family.

[nepal]

Children of divorced families often suffer bad marks at school and alienation/humiliation by their peers. All while their narcissistic parents (or parent) are saying how divorce is best them and for the children.

[nepal]

Divorce children often don’t have any support at home for school, and insensitive other children take pleasure in ridiculing them for poor scholastic performance and lack of decent career options that might result. Insensitive children sometimes exclude divorce children from social activities, such as birthday parties, as well exclude them from sports teams, due to reduced sports support. Divorce children might put on a brave face, but hurt inside. Of course there are exceptions, but the cards are stacked against these innocent victim children.

[Silverstarqueen]

Five times likelier than whom? children whose parents stayed together while one alcoholic parent beats up the other one?
Sometimes divorce is better for all. No one else knows what goes on behind closed doors.