Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[ferri]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:


YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES... YOU HAVE NO WORRIES .


YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU... YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...


YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...



YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...


SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE...











IN THE WRONG HOUSE......

[ferri]

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Pilot training manual
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Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where the hell are we?" and "Oh S**t!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
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A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps training manual
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance officer
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

[ferri]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image,
walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!"

<><><><><><><>


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


<><><><><><><>


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."

[ferri]

Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

If you can raed tihs psas it on

[ferri]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:
from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[ferri]

"Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country
house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot
died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"D*mn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What
did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

"Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling
the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was
the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods NikeDriver."


SILENCE...................


"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!"

[ferri]

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied,

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

[ferri]

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

[ferri]

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.


The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.


Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".


The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°


A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child's work.


As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.


The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."


The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."


Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."


¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.


After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"


Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.


She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"


Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."


The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.


"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "

¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and
I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.


"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"


A little fellow shouted,


"Cause your feet ain't empty."

¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°¨¨°¡!¡°


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,


"Take only ONE. God is watching."


Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.


A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.

[ferri]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[ferri]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent
on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So, his wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[ferri]

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the
keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale
law of destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will
start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance
so sorry law)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the
instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably
because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of
gravitas)

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change
appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on
you. (Principle of dingaling)

Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been
waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they
will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly
proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to
ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's
hairdo.(The donking principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one
week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be
absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you.
(Law of de lay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out
alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)

[ferri]

Obedient wife


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his

money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he

died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money

and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the

afterlife with me."



And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when

he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.



Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting

there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they

finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close

the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with

her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.



Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all

that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him

that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"



"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my

account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[ferri]

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8.) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

--------------------------------------------

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

[ferri]

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother
after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His
grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday
morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was
beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist
painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for
you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him
"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week
that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"