I’m independent. What do I owe my parents?

[Delta Dra 7187]

I’m independent and on my own, so what do I owe my parents?

This has been bugging me for a while, and going by some of the demographic that I think may be here, with no disrespect intended, I hope this will be a good place to ask.

I’ve been earning my own money since I was fourteen. And now I have a career job.

I’ve used my money responsibly for things like clothes, entertainment and fast food, and a couple of years ago I bought a motor scooter.

I lived at home where my parents supplied me with food, cable, internet and miscellaneous all through, and all through school.

I have a career job now, working in my own home through the pandemic, and my main monthly bills are my rent, the last of my student loan, the usual, and I’m handling them well.

The home I moved into with a roommate is a basement suite in the rental house my aunt and uncle own. We have an agreement to take care of the lawn and walks, things like that, not property management, and the work is deducted from the market rent.

The reason I ask, is my mom lived at home the same way and started off away from home much like me.

But my divorced grandmother, who is well off, in reasonable health, and living on her own feels she is entitled to treat my mom like a slave. She says mom owes her this for bringing her up.

For example, whenever mom calls or goes over grandma tells her to do this do that for her, with no please or thank you. A constant list that never goes away. The work is never good enough done for her, and she complains and complains about anything and everything. Through the pandemic she’s been totally tone deaf to anybody else’s risks.

While I was growing up I got slowly sucked in, but now I’m trying to avoid her.

And she’s so nice to everybody else, that she makes few ‘requests’ and sometimes pays them, so they don’t believe what’s going on with my mom.

My mom always goes along with it, but now she constantly complains about it to me.

I suggested to my mom and grandmother that she could afford to have and has the room for live-in maid. She could. But that failed. Grandma threw it back at me that I should move in with her.

I don’t want it to be the same for me later on, so to go back the beginning, what do I owe my parents?

Thanks.

[alanjh595]

what do I owe my parents?

Grand children.

[OKkayak]

what do I owe my parents?

The same love, support and respect they gave you. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Bsuds]

Sounds like Gramma needs a good dose of everyone staying away and ignoring her requests for awhile.

My kids (3) owe me what they have borrowed. Nothing more nothing less.

If I am lucky I will enjoy spending their inheritance before I go.

[Gilchy]

Learning how to develop and maintain healthy boundaries with family members can be one of the hardest parts of becoming an adult. But holding these boundaries can build stronger, healthier relationships without the resentment.

[Delta Dra 7187]

Thanks all of you.

LOL My parents are proud of me and I hope I can give them grandchildren for sure. Maybe that will turn my mom's attention. But it's going to take me a few years yet. I still love my gramma, and I kind of understand, but the narcissist word is running though my mind now. Is that what happens to old people?

[Queen K]

No it does not happen to all "old people." But a narcissist parent intensifies the narcissism with age.

your mom is in the grips of her narcissist parent. There is no "win."
Not for your mom anyways.

You will learn a whole new vocabulary shortly.

Grey Rock.
No contact/low contact.
Boundaries, which a narcissist will not recognize anyways.

Once outted, a narcissist is enraged. Often intensifying abusive behavior.

I will expand on this later.

You do not owe laying down your young life to narcissism, if that is your real question. You owe it to your self to be unscathed out of this.

[Thebrewhouse]

Thanks all of you.

LOL My parents are proud of me and I hope I can give them grandchildren for sure. Maybe that will turn my mom's attention. But it's going to take me a few years yet. I still love my gramma, and I kind of understand, but the narcissist word is running though my mind now. Is that what happens to old people?

Narcissism is embedded in my family, but somehow I escaped having it. It doesn’t just “happen” to old people, it is a learned trait and there are ways to deal with it or cope.

There are options such as setting boundaries, clear cut boundaries. It sounds that there are no clear cut boundaries in your situation, so it is open hunting season so to speak....

I would recommend your mom and you setting boundaries with your gramma. If the message isn’t being heard then there are consequences and those need to be made clear. It may sound harsh, but it worked for my situation, and constant reminders of those boundaries still occur today.

Just my opinion though. Wish you the best in finding a compromise or way to deal with it.

[Queen K]

Narcissists will behave badly just for the sheer pleasure of seeing what you will put up with. They love to find out they can "get away" with so creating discord, emotional distress and negative emotions. The damage they do to their helpless children is tremendous and much studied by counsellors psychiatrists/ and many others. The problem with describing narcissist behavior to someone who had not experience it is that:

describing their behavior makes you look crazy.

And not matter what incident you describe first, or second, you know there are dozens of other ones, worse, which you've buried and people respond with toxic responses. They just do. They latch on to the one or two incidents and that's all they see or hear and become enabler for the narc. They simply can't process the years and years and years of toxic narc abuse which people like your mom has endured and still does trying to please "mommy dearest." The UnPleasable. By design. Watching the pain and suffering inflicted on her daughter.

There are many many facebook sites started and run by survivors of narcissism.

remember, narc behavior is not someone just being mean once ina while, or being controlling over one or two things, it's a whole systematic way of being and behavior patterns for which there is an official breakdown for types of narcissism.

Covert and Overt are just two, with covert being the most hidden and sinister.

OP, you have a lot of uncovering to do and it may be painful on behalf of your mom. But Granny Dearest there had better not get her hooks into you. Or you will be her next victim.

You know there is an entire movement by people to keep their children away from narcissist grandparents? The idea is to protect the children from being harmed by narcissist grandparents, as they victimized their own children, those adult children have made conscious decisions to protect their babies from harm.

[MAPearce]

Well .. When you were introduced into this world , you were in need of food , shelter and diapers ..

I'm glad you're doing so well now BUT , when you leave this world , you'll most likely need the same . If you can't provide those for yourself , you may want to consider who gave that to you in the first place ..

Your PARENTS .

I'd say you owe your parents the same guarantee of "life" that they gave you

[Delta Dra 7187]

Thanks you got in while I was writing this. As you'll see I'm already considering my mom.

Thanks again everybody for the other. I'm not going to let gramma suck me in to what my mom is going through. I've already told my mom that. And I need to study up on narcists for my future. I really want to help my mom and I've suggested she needs counselling on this but she won't go for it. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to take much of her anymore. Gramma was offered it in an other case but she wouldn't go for it either. I know nobody's going to take help they don't want. But I'll sure take what you've offered so far and start to work on it. Maybe I should get some live counselling too.

[stuphoto]

What do children owe their parents?
Good question.

I can tell you what I would wish for it I had children.
For them to keep in touch. Call and say Hi from time to time and not just when they need something.
Visit me when they can.
As I get older help me out when I need it, if possible.
And above all, let me know how much they care about me.
This goes both ways.

As for your grandmother,
There really isn't much you can do.
Do let your mom know your concerns, but she will have to say no on her own.

[Delta Dra 7187]

That's really nice. And basically that's what it's like with my parents and us. With gramma and mom I just happen to be the handiest, so the closest to the situation.

And maybe I shouldn't disclose this of mom, but I know she was prescribed Zopiclone one time when things got really bad for her with gramma. I'm such a rotten kid that I can verify she's only taken a pill and a half so far. But that's one of the reasons I suggested counseling.

[Delta Dra 7187]

Well .. When you were introduced into this world , you were in need of food , shelter and diapers ..

I'm glad you're doing so well now BUT , when you leave this world , you'll most likely need the same . If you can't provide those for yourself , you may want to consider who gave that to you in the first place ..

Your PARENTS .

I'd say you owe your parents the same guarantee of "life" that they gave you

So if I may ask. If you read what I wrote at the beginning and some that follows, would you say the same thing when it comes to my mother and grandmother? What do you think of that for a situation?

And for others too. That's why I thought of narcissism. I've now read how baby's are the most narcissistic beings on the planet, but it comes from innocence, not a lifetime of stored up social interaction. Could a return to innocence be an excuse for what might be taken as narcissism in old people? I'm very grateful for everyone's comments so far.

[Thebrewhouse]

Narcissism is a personality disorder. That being said, it is heavily influenced by your upbringing. I would recommend going to a councillor to discuss these issues as there may be other disorders linked to this. It’s best to first identify what you are dealing with and then second get a game plan on how to move forward in the best way. Councillors are usually a great support network and can give you invaluable information and strategies to deal with YOUR situation.