I’m independent. What do I owe my parents?

[Merry]

Children don’t “owe” their parents anything, but hopefully they will love their parents enough to WANT to be able to help them out a bit with stuff they are no longer able to do for themselves when they’re older.

These days we often hear about adult children not wanting to help out their parents in their old age. But we hear a lot less about adult children who still expect a lot of assistance, both financial and otherwise, from their elderly parents.

Many of my friends are “expected” to babysit their grandchildren, despite the fact they are really too old to babysit full time anymore. Yet they still do it for fear of alienating their adult children if they refuse. It never occurs to the adult kids that maybe their parents have done their time looking after little kids, and would now like more time to themselves, to just “do their own thing”. And few of those adult children offer to pay their parents for their babysitting service.

It’s also not uncommon for adult children to ask their parents for interest free loans, or even direct monetary gifts, with no thought to what, if any sacrifices the parents may be making to fulfil the request. Even if all the parents are giving up is a holiday, is it right to expect them to do that just so their kids can buy a new car, or a new kitchen?

Of course both adult children and their parents can choose to help each other out as much, or as little as they wish. But it seems to me that what ought to be a two way street, is viewed as only being one way by many of those who don’t want to reciprocate when called upon to do so.

[alanjh595]

Children don’t “owe” their parents anything, but hopefully they will love their parents enough to WANT to be able to help them out a bit with stuff they are no longer able to do for themselves when they’re older.

That is true.
The child never asked to be born.
The mother made the decision to bring this child into the world.
By doing so, the parent(s) have also created a contract for all of the necessary requirements of that child, with no expiry date.
The child can not be held responsible for any of the caveats in that contract, due to age, and inability to understand the contract, that was made without their knowledge or fair representation by a lawyer.

[stuphoto]

Many of my friends are “expected” to babysit their grandchildren, despite the fact they are really too old to babysit full time anymore. Yet they still do it for fear of alienating their adult children if they refuse. It never occurs to the adult kids that maybe their parents have done their time looking after little kids, and would now like more time to themselves, to just “do their own thing”. And few of those adult children offer to pay their parents for their babysitting service.

This reminds me of a riddle I once heard.

Q, Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well together?

A, They share a Common Enemy

Now it is starting to make more sense to me.

[W105]

sounds like to me that the OP's Grandma is a bully (and has probably been one all her life)

if it was me in this situation I would just call her out on her bad behavior towards your mom...and I would do it every single time it happens !!

bullies usually back off when confronted..

gotta say though ( and I am not applying it to the OP's situation) sometimes wealthy older people have Family members jumping hoops by dangling an "inheritance" to keep the cheap care giving going on..

[Delta Dra 7187]

I've called her out more than once and so has mom.

The reaction to calling her out has either been rage or tears, and then she's told me not to act so 'superior.' Mom has been berated and told she's her rock and not to be so mean.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. That being said, it is heavily influenced by your upbringing. I would recommend going to a councillor to discuss these issues as there may be other disorders linked to this. It’s best to first identify what you are dealing with and then second get a game plan on how to move forward in the best way. Councillors are usually a great support network and can give you invaluable information and strategies to deal with YOUR situation.

I'm on this today. My mom and I usually go for a walk together and I'll she what she says if suggest I want to back off from gramma and from hearing anything about the situation from her for awhile.

But I'm not going to tell her about the counseling. LOL one of the joys of being independent I guess. I'll try to get back here with some outcomes. I owe that much for the help everybody has given me. In the meantime I'll stay pugged in here though. Thanks.

[W105]

well rage or tears doesn't surprise me as a response for being called out..and so what ?? being called out on bad behavior is not the end of the world, and hopefully or eventually the person makes some changes..if not then you really gotta stay away..some Family is toxic to a person...doesn't mean that you don't love them, it just means for your own happiness it's best to stay away...love them from afar :)

gotta say though that you're a good daughter or son for being so protective of your mom and that seeing her feelings hurt by her Mother's behavior isn't something you like seeing...tell them both ( you are all adults and that should be respected) that you love them both very much and all you want is to see them have a happy, loving, appreciative relationship cause there is nothing wrong with that :)

[Queen K]

I've called her out more than once and so has mom.

The reaction to calling her out has either been rage or tears, and then she's told me not to act so 'superior.' Mom has been berated and told she's her rock and not to be so mean.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. That being said, it is heavily influenced by your upbringing. I would recommend going to a councillor to discuss these issues as there may be other disorders linked to this. It’s best to first identify what you are dealing with and then second get a game plan on how to move forward in the best way. Councillors are usually a great support network and can give you invaluable information and strategies to deal with YOUR situation.

I'm on this today. My mom and I usually go for a walk together and I'll she what she says if suggest I want to back off from gramma and from hearing anything about the situation from her for awhile.

But I'm not going to tell her about the counseling. LOL one of the joys of being independent I guess. I'll try to get back here with some outcomes. I owe that much for the help everybody has given me. In the meantime I'll stay pugged in here though. Thanks.

Yes, and there it is. You've seen the tears and the rage, all manipulation designed to throw you off from what the sane you saw and heard. Gaslighting is their best form of psychological abuse because it is so unprove-able. Subjective. So when they do or say <insert whatever is coming out their mouths> and you react in the normal manner, they will come back with any number of things:

"I was only JOKING!" See, you can't "get the joke" when it's at your expense.
"Don't be so SENSITIVE!" See, you are supposed to just take the verbal insults.
"Don't START"! See, you are not to defend yourself, just take it.
"Don't be so defensive." A variation on just take the abuse.

There's more. Narcissists have a whole tool box to let you know you aren't seeing, hearing, feeling or experiencing what you really ARE. Plenty more examples.

[Queen K]

Another thing with narcissists. They don't do friends well. Friends are competition. Everything is a competition.

[MAPearce]

bullies usually back off when confronted..

Another thing with narcissists. They don't do friends well. Friends are competition. Everything is a competition.

True that ....


removed

[Catsumi]

[Delta Dra 7187]

Okay, I've set things in motion. Mom and I had a long talk and she agrees I should step away from gramma for awhile. But I'm going to still let mom talk to me because no one else seems to see what's going on. I've lined up an online counselor for myself. There's a lot going on with this pandemic so I'm happy I was able to get this far.

[Queen K]

I like how you've taken positive steps for yourself.

Lots of books out there too, and support groups. Trust me, they help.

[Delta Dra 7187]

I like how you and most of the others here know what they're talking about. Looks like I came to the right place.
Thank you.

[LANDM]

It’s also important that you are there to assist with your mother so that she is less likely to go down the same path. I’m not overly knowledgeable on this but I have certainly seen these traits adopted simply because that’s how it was with their parents.

Good luck with everything and it sounds like you have good head on your shoulders to get both yourself and your mother through it. Ultimately you can’t necessarily change your grandmother's behaviour but you can stop the potential cycle from continuing.

[GordonH]

Title of this thread is “I’m independent. What do I owe my parents?”

imo it depends was your parents loving or abusive, if the latter you owe them nothing.
If they were loving, then only you can choose what you owe them.

I’m a outsider