Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Share your jokes, cartoons, funny stories.
seewood
Lord of the Board
Posts: 4331
Joined: May 29th, 2013, 2:08 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by seewood »

Morality test

:How moral are you?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate...well worth the little bit of effort.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.



THE SITUATION:

You are in Miami with chaos all around you caused by a hurricane. There is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive furies.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks like...Good Heavens, it's Donald Trump. At the same time, you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Donald Trump OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most powerful men who's hell-bent on the destruction of the USA.



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question and please give an honest answer: Would you:

A) Select high contrast color film, or...

B) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
I am not wealthy but I am rich
User avatar
Catsumi
Walks on Forum Water
Posts: 12628
Joined: May 24th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

I paid for it, it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.

She’s gonna learn today you just don't mess with us retired folks.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect” - Mark Twain

“"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -W. Churchill
User avatar
Catsumi
Walks on Forum Water
Posts: 12628
Joined: May 24th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

A group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect” - Mark Twain

“"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -W. Churchill
User avatar
Bsuds
The Wagon Master
Posts: 51417
Joined: Apr 21st, 2005, 10:46 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE IN?



Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days...

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
I might look normal but believe me, I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
User avatar
Catsumi
Walks on Forum Water
Posts: 12628
Joined: May 24th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

The year is 2222, and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent Flier miles.


They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.



Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...



Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..



'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'



'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'



'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect” - Mark Twain

“"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -W. Churchill
User avatar
Catsumi
Walks on Forum Water
Posts: 12628
Joined: May 24th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

THE UNIVERSITY GRADUATES, 2020


Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up

in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can

Remember what they did the night before.



The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and

is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from

Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to

intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and

nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees,

beg for Forgiveness, and they release her.



The second one, a

brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated

from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to

intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again,

nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for

forgiveness and release her.



The last one (you know it), a

blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Louisiana State

University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,

and I'll tell ya' ll right now, ya' ll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if

you don't plug this thing in."....
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect” - Mark Twain

“"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -W. Churchill
User avatar
sobrohusfat
Guru
Posts: 5853
Joined: Jul 2nd, 2008, 12:42 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by sobrohusfat »

The adventure continues...

No good story ever started with; "So i stayed home."
User avatar
sobrohusfat
Guru
Posts: 5853
Joined: Jul 2nd, 2008, 12:42 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by sobrohusfat »

The adventure continues...

No good story ever started with; "So i stayed home."
User avatar
Catsumi
Walks on Forum Water
Posts: 12628
Joined: May 24th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added. "It is a special day
for me...I'm celebrating".

"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked. "What are you celebrating"?

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and
today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized
eggs."

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens
to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said. "What a coincidence."
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect” - Mark Twain

“"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -W. Churchill
User avatar
Bsuds
The Wagon Master
Posts: 51417
Joined: Apr 21st, 2005, 10:46 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

bathtub.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
I might look normal but believe me, I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
User avatar
Catsumi
Walks on Forum Water
Posts: 12628
Joined: May 24th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Catsumi »

9324E2BE-75DF-4E5E-875D-7FFC56264724.jpeg
F0B1AC99-A19D-41AA-AC5A-357B4BD21C68.jpeg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect” - Mark Twain

“"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -W. Churchill
User avatar
Bsuds
The Wagon Master
Posts: 51417
Joined: Apr 21st, 2005, 10:46 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

nfld girl.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
I might look normal but believe me, I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
User avatar
Bsuds
The Wagon Master
Posts: 51417
Joined: Apr 21st, 2005, 10:46 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

demo.gif
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
I might look normal but believe me, I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
User avatar
oneh2obabe
feistres Goruchaf y Bwrdd
Posts: 90109
Joined: Nov 23rd, 2007, 8:19 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by oneh2obabe »

Granma.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Dance as if no one's watching, sing as if no one's listening, and live everyday as if it were your last.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
User avatar
Bsuds
The Wagon Master
Posts: 51417
Joined: Apr 21st, 2005, 10:46 am

Re: Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

Post by Bsuds »

'OLD' IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN.. .
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
This is all true and these are not jokes!
I might look normal but believe me, I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.

Return to “Laugh-In”