Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[Bsuds]

[sobrohusfat]

[Catsumi]

The young man from Saskatchewan came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? ' The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number!”

[sobrohusfat]

[Bsuds]

When you're over seventy..............who cares?

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches..but, when you’re over seventy..............who cares?

**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”; I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”; I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”; Cost me a fat lip, but...When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but..When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember we do not quit playing because we grow old.... we grow old because we quit playing

[Bsuds]

[dirtybiker]

The United way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most
successful lawyer.
So a United way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his expensive office. The volunteer opened
the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through
the United way ?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says, " First, did your research show my Mothers medical bills
are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Taken a back a bit an, Uh...Ohh.. I didn't know that."
"Secondly" says the lawyer, "my disabled brother, a veteran, confined to a wheelchair, unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken united Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died dreadfully
in a car wreck, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children ?"
The humiliated United Way rep, beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So, If I don't give money to them , what makes you think I would
ever give any to you !"

[seewood]

^^^^^

Reminds me of the one where a lawyer won a rather large sum of money from a lottery and a reporter asked what he was going to do with the money.
lawyer replied, oh pay a few bills.
Reporter asked what are you going to do with the rest?
lawyer to hell with them

[Bsuds]

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:



FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading this on Castanet.



You hang in there, sunshine!

[Bsuds]

[Bsuds]

[Catsumi]

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.



The conversation went like this:



"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"



"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann ‘s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?"



Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"



There was dead silence on the line for a long moment … Father O’Malley then replied: "Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Catsumi]

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.



The conversation went like this:



"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"



"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann ‘s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?"



Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"



There was dead silence on the line for a long moment … Father O’Malley then replied: "Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[seewood]

Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then so here's yours for today.
Is it “complete”, “finished” or “completely finished”? No English dictionary has
been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words -
“Complete” and “Finished”.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly,
the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear
winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When
you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right
one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

[Bsuds]