Ferri's Stream O'Jokes

[alanjh595]

What is this woman doing ?

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She is following directions ....

The directions say:

Add water
and
Concentrate.

[Bsuds]

The Cynical Philosopher
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see. You’s not fat, you’s just fluffy.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor."
♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.

[Bsuds]

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[sobrohusfat]

3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

...and you think that was pure coincidence !?!

[Bsuds]

It was the coldest winter ever.

Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So, they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.

They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions to receive the heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The simple moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the *bleep* in your life.

[Bsuds]

A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in disbelief for a moment, then started yelling,

“I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

A woman working at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”

“No, it says right here,” he said, handing the cup to the employee: “W I N A B A G E L.”

[Bsuds]

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[Bsuds]

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[Catsumi]

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"In case the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Catsumi]

Subject: NORWEGIAN WEDDING

*Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground." *As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.



He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a virgin -- in every vay.* *The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.*



*Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:*



*"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"*

[dirtybiker]

Trucker just rolling down the road and off in the distance sees a hitchhiker.
Well, storm clouds in the air and nearing dark he figures he should stop and
give the guy a ride.

After climbing aboard and getting back up to speed the hitchhiker says,
"Kind of a chance picking up a hitchhiker isn't it? what if I were a
serial killer?"

Trucker just drawls out, "Well, that would be one heck of a coincidence."

[Bsuds]

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[Catsumi]

The nun and the Russian soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”

[oneh2obabe]

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious. Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives. I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.

[Bsuds]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.



"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?



Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?



"Vladimir Putin," she says.



"Why Vladimir Putin," her father asks in shock.



"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Jewish girl could have enough love to give him Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to President Putin, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."



Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.



"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."



"I know, "Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the *bleep*.