The Circle of Life

Is there a god? What is the meaning of life?
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fluffy
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The Circle of Life

Post by fluffy »

My mother is dying. She's old, her next birthday would have been her ninetieth. She has Alzheimer's and has been deteriorating for some time now, but declined sharply in the last week.She's not in any pain, but it's been a fight to get food into her for some time now, and she stopped taking fluids of any kind a couple of days ago. The doctor says when that happens it's very close to the end, a few days perhaps.

I thought I'd start this thread because it's my experience that having someplace to talk about it will make the situation a little more bearable.

It's hardest on Dad of course, their sixty-fifth anniversary was a few months back. I'm amazed how he has grown throughout this whole ordeal. He was always very guarded emotionally, you know, old school stuff. Keep it inside, letting it show is a weakness. He has opened up to me in ways lately that I would never have dreamed possible. We're lucky that most of the family lives nearby, and the one son who is not here in the valley makes it back every couple of weeks.

Right now, we are just making sure that she isn't left alone, so everyone is doing their best to free up enough time so that the whole load doesn't fall on Dad.

Mom's has very little left for quality of life at this point, the Alzheimer's has taken its toll to the point where she can barely get out a word or two, and it's doubtful if she recognizes those around her anymore. As heartless as it might sound, it's probably best to just let nature take its course at this point.

later,
fluf
Denial is based on one very specific desire – for something to not be true.
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ferri
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by ferri »

fluffy, i am so sorry. i do know what you mean about it probably being best if she go, but it sure is hard isn't it? hugs to you and your family. if you need anything we are just a pm away.
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
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Fred Spencer
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by Fred Spencer »

My mother is 89, so inevitably I will be having similar things to deal with. I am thankful she does not have Alzheimer's. My aunt, (mother's younger sister) does have Alzhiemer's and my family in Toronto are having to deal with that. Every day I think about family and try to draw closer to all. In times of crises you need your family around you or else what have you got? The cold and impersonal intervention of the state. There are plenty of people in this area living with government assistance and some of them are living under bridges. The family is the unit which protects people from descending into such low cercumstances.

A few years ago my wife's mother died. This was a heart wrenching experience for my wife. To this day I do not believe that she has fully recovered. Love them when they are here. Give them your emotional, physical and financial support when they need it. Don't be afraid to go to them when you need assistance. This way we all benefit.
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zzontar
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by zzontar »

Sorry to hear about that fluffy, my father was recently diagnosed with cancer, and thankfully he feels great at the moment, but he's in his 80's and things can change rapidly... still I feel Alzhiemer's would be harder to take... I hope she goes peacefully... you can always catch up with her when it's your time to go.
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CoffeeCanuck
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by CoffeeCanuck »

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through fluffy. I worked in a care home in Kelowna for ten years and worked daily with wonderful souls afflicted with this terrible disease. If there is one tiny word of encouragement that I can offer you, it's that your mom is in a good place where there is no longer any frustration, anger, or sadness. Alzheimer's takes it's toll on the entire family, mainly because it's such a long and drawn out disease with a few different stages. I was always relieved as a care giver to see a person cross over into the end stage (which can last a couple of years), because their inner torment was over. This of course can be the most difficult stage for family members to see. Yes, your mom is in her final days if she has refused liquids. The only thing that you can do now, is see to it that she is being offered comfort measures and simply be with her and your dad.

When thinking of your mom, celebrate who she was as a woman, wife, mother, and friend, for that is who she truly was.

Hugs fluffy

~D
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Saxon

Re: The Circle of Life

Post by Saxon »

Sorry to hear of this fluffy, I have witnessed this disease ... It's always hard when we know someone has not got long left on this earth... what we can do is to make them as comfortable as possible and do what we can to prepare them and ourselves for their passing... when gone.....although sometimes devastated by our loss and dealing with that loss there is a small part that celebrates how lucky we are to have been touched by such a wonderful person and how lucky to have lived in their light...
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Piecemaker
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by Piecemaker »

I am so sorry fluffy that you and your family are going through this. It is not "heartless" to let nature take its course. It is very caring and respectful to let your mother go with as much love and ease as possible.
I remember that the decision made to have your mother cared for by others was a difficult one for you and the rest of your family, but the right one. Now saying "good-bye" will also be difficult, but your family is doing it the best way possible by having someone with her. She may not seem to recognize her family, but I believe she will feel herself surrounded by your love and "know" on some level that it is as it should be and that you are all there with her.

Interesting that a mother is often the one that mediates the relationships within a family and for your family, her inability to do her mom stuff anymore strenghened her family's relationships including the one between you and your father.
Sounds like your dad is not the only one growing through this experience. For many, with the death of a parent comes a new perspective on life. Take care. Winter's time is ending and Spring will follow.
Piece :smt056
It's possible to do all the right things and still get a bad result.
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fluffy
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by fluffy »

Mom slipped away peacefully in her sleep around six this morning. She was comfortable right up to the end, she was just all used up and quietly finished her earthly journey. The rest of us are busy doing what must be done, appreciative of the distraction this offers. It is a time of reflection.
Denial is based on one very specific desire – for something to not be true.
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ferri
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by ferri »

i'm sorry fluffy. sending prayers up for you and your family. :smt056
“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
crash 99
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by crash 99 »

Ohhh damn Fluffy... :146:

{{{HUGS}}}
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CoffeeCanuck
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by CoffeeCanuck »

fluffy wrote:Mom slipped away peacefully in her sleep around six this morning. She was comfortable right up to the end, she was just all used up and quietly finished her earthly journey. The rest of us are busy doing what must be done, appreciative of the distraction this offers. It is a time of reflection.

This is how I believe we all want our loved ones to go, so it's a blessing your mom quietly passed onto her next journey, comfortable, pain free and with dignity.

~D
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AlanH
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by AlanH »

Sorry for your loss Fluffy. Best wishes to your family, from mine.
shoo
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by shoo »

I'm very sorry for your loss,Fluffy. hugs to you and yours.

shoo
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Piecemaker
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by Piecemaker »

Fluffy, may memories of your mom comfort you, your dad and the rest of your family during this sad time. She is still with you all, in your hearts.
It's possible to do all the right things and still get a bad result.
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Bsuds
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Re: The Circle of Life

Post by Bsuds »

Sorry for your loss fluffy!
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