Addiction help

[Tiredofit]

Here is my story... I have been in a relationship with a man who struggles with addiction for 4 years. He has been addicted to narcotics for about 20 years. He is a functional addict for the most part, but I'm afraid that he is in over his head. He is addicted to Tylenol 1's, which are available over the counter and can be purchased at any drugstore. I have tried numerous times to get him help but he refuses saying "no one can help me". I am so frustrated! He gets high for work and thinks nobody will notice. His buisness has dropped and I'm afraid if he doesn't get help soon his buisness will fail. He has also spent every family holiday and birthday high. He lies about his drug use all the time. He will come home completely out of it and swear that he hasn't done drugs. I have been the only person in his life that has tried to get him sober. Everyone else seems to look the other way, including his parents. I am so tired. Any suggestions on how to help an addict that doesn't want help?

[Glacier]

These stories tare at my heart.

A couple things I know to be true.

Unless he admits he has problem, he will not change.
You should never be in a committed relationship with someone you cannot trust.

Both my M-I-L and my mother had to leave marriages because of severe addiction issues. Do not under any circumstances become romantically involved with a man with addiction problems. Try to help him as a friend instead of a lover.

[Queen K]

Is it possible that you are addicted to his addiction/addictive behaviour?

As if you wouldn't know what to do in a normal life?

Would you trade four years of normal living for four years of constant drama?


And before you go trouncing me...think very carefully as these boards are full of people with vast experience in social work, criminology, counselling....to name but a few professions of relevance to your situation. I just happen to be second on the scene.

[Queen K]

I'm not sad.

Tireofit has taken an important step to leaving.

This is a reason to be happy for her.

[Fancy]

Everyone else seems to look the other way, including his parents

Maybe they've come to the conclusion he doesn't want to help himself. You can't do it for him.

[Queen K]

I'm afraid that if he doesn't get help his business will fail....hmmmmmm

Tireofit:

Does this business happen to support you? Do you have a career or profession of your own? Is it viable for you to move out, set yourself up and continue to work? Or did you make yourself dependant upon HIS business thriving? Is that why you have such a vested interest in his business not failing? Or a four year long ordeal of fixing the unfixable? He is not lying to you when he says no one can fix him.

Have you ever read the book, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood?

[coffeeFreak]

I would strongly suggest you go to Alanon even though its premise suggests it is for those associated/related to or married to alcoholics; although I would venture to guess that this isn't the first addict/alcoholic you have encountered in your life? We tend to gravitate to the familiar.

Alanon will show you how to take the focus off the addict and help you to realize you are the only person you can change. It will teach you to step back, stop enabling and let him deal with his own sh*#t because as long as you are there to rescue him, he will let you. If he never has to face his reality he will never hit bottom.

There is a saying I've heard that goes: if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting. Sounds like you are tired of doing what you've been doing so I would suggest you take a risk and try Alanon. What can it hurt?

If you do decide to go, try a few different meetings, because each group is different. Once you find one you like go back to it a few times before deciding whether you will stay.

Tiredofit, do something good for yourself this New Year -- Good Luck!

[Tiredofit]

To be honest I have had enough drama to last a lifetime. I do just want a "normal" life. I do have my own career and do not rely on his buisness.
I know you can't change a person, but is it fair to just give up on someone you love? He is a good person, I would have never stayed this long otherwise. I have spent the last 4 years trying to encourage him to lead a sober life. I have tried to show him what's possible without drugs. I got him into detox a couple of years ago, but that did not last. I have also made him go to a drug counsler but once a month councelling is not enough. He stopped going.
I am also worried about his health. The amount of Tylenol 1's he has to take in order to get high could damage his liver and kidneys. He says he knows this but why would someone abuse their body that way? It is almost like suicde.
Should I just give up? I feel like I have done my best and just have no idea how else to help him.

[Phoenix Within]

Any suggestions on how to help an addict that doesn't want help?

How do you help anyone who doesn't want help? You can't. It's not going to matter how often you drag them to rehab or force them to go into treatments. Until they themselves make the decision and are truly ready to change, all you'll be doing is wasting your time and taking years from your life.

I know you can't change a person, but is it fair to just give up on someone you love?

Is it giving up or is it self-preservation on your part? At some point you have to say enough is enough. Maybe the loss of an enabler is what he needs.

I have spent the last 4 years trying to encourage him to lead a sober life. I have tried to show him what's possible without drugs.

What's he hiding from?

I got him into detox a couple of years ago, but that did not last. I have also made him go to a drug counsler but once a month councelling is not enough.

See above. Unless he WILLINGLY wants to change, you're wasting your time.

He says he knows this but why would someone abuse their body that way?

I'm no expert, but if he's been taking them for long enough, then chances are he's not taking them to get high, but rather to combat withdrawal symptoms.

Should I just give up?

Again, is it giving up or self-preservation?

And yes, I know what it's like to deal with someone who won't seek help. I lost a sister to alcoholism a couple of years ago.

[Catz]

I so agree with these posts.

If he doesn't want help, it doesn't matter what you do. You only have control over yourself. You can only change how you deal with it. Sometimes you have to walk away, let them hit rock bottom, but help them when they do finally want to change.

[grammafreddy]

I walked away 5 years ago.

He hit bottom 4 years ago.

He's been clean ever since and realizes now how much of his life he lost.

You only way you can help him is to leave.

[Queen K]

I walked away 5 years ago.

He hit bottom 4 years ago.

He's been clean ever since and realizes now how much of his life he lost.

You only way you can help him is to leave.

[eyepop]

He's been clean ever since and realizes now how much of his life he lost.

may he realize now how much of his life he has gained.

[Phoenix Within]

may he realize now how much of his life he has gained.

Amen!

[BVulgaris]

Best life lesson ever learned on an airplane: "put your oxygen mask on first, then help the person next to you".